This is what I journaled on May 15, 2010:

Your creation is beautiful. I know this full well. The people you created are gorgeous. There isn't one that doesn't have your fingerprint. They are stunning and loved. By the most high God. You love well. You love perfectly. You love with the heart of a parent. You desire to protect us and hold us and keep us from danger. You desire to bless us and provide for us. You love us despite our shortcomings or insecurities. We are imperfect, yet are loved by the One, the Lord alone. He cares enough to create us... Cell by cell you blessed us. You dreamed about me and my personality and my person. You knew me before I knew myself. You are perfect- the creator of all things, yet your creations chose evil. We chose choices over resting and waiting patiently in the love of our God. We chose destruction and now are swept up in the consequences. The wake of the first sin carries us further and further from your perfection and goodness.
Yet you still love us. Still you wait for us. Still you call my name in the desert and wilderness and whisper sweet mornings to me. You never stop pursuing me. Your grace is enough for me. When I am made weak, then you are strong.
May my smiles be genuine. May my joy be real. May I walk patiently, seeking your face constantly. May I boast in my weaknesses and brokenness because Jesus feeds out of scarcity. When I am weak, THEN you are strong.

And the adventure begins...

In about 3 hours, I will be gathering with friends and family. Prayers will be lifted up for the nine of us who are heading to Zimbabwe.

I'm terrified. Nervous. Anxious. Excited.

Pretty much everything imaginable.

But God is so good. And he is so faithful.

Check out Fountain of Hope here.... 
https://sites.google.com/a/wcacentre.org/fountain-of-hope/

Your prayers are so appreciated. Thank you for being my people. I love you all dearly.

zim itinerary

Itinerary:

10 MAY - TUESDAY 
12:55 am – Depart DIA heading to JFK (Jet Blue Flt #98)
6:32 am – Arrive JFK
11:15 am – Depart JFK for Johannesburg (South African Air Flt #204)
(Flight time – 15 hours 20 min)

11 MAY - WEDNESDAY
8:35 am – Arrive Johannesburg
10:40 am – Depart Johannesburg heading to Bulawayo (South Africa Flt# 8110)
12:05 pm – Arrive Bulawayo – Picked up by representative from Fountain of Hope

12 MAY - THURSDAY
In Bulawayo

13 MAY - FRIDAY
In Mthombothemba (Gideon’s home base) - Feeding Program / House Church

14 MAY - SATURDAY
In Mthombothemba – Children’s Ministry

15 MAY - SUNDAY
In Mthombothemba – Church

16 MAY - MONDAY
Rest

17 MAY - TUESDAY
In Mthombothemba - Feeding Program / House Church

18 MAY - WEDNESDAY
Peniel Center – Minister to staff and kids

19 MAY - THURSDAY
In Mthombothemba – Pathfinder / Cherish
Peniel Center – Study with kids

20 MAY - FRIDAY
Travel to Plumtree (Southwest - almost to border of Botswana)

21 MAY - SATURDAY
In Plumtree- Ministry

22 MAY - SUNDAY
In Plumtree – Church

23 MAY - MONDAY
Rest

24 MAY - TUESDAY
In Mthombothemba - Feeding Program / House Church

25 MAY - WEDNESDAY
In Mthombothemba -Feeding Program
Peniel Center – Minister to staff and kids

26 MAY - THURSDAY
In Mthombothemba – Pathfinder / Cherish
Peniel Center – Study with kids

27 MAY - FRIDAY
Peniel Center – Kids Camp

28 MAY - SATURDAY
Peniel Center – Kids Camp

29 MAY - SUNDAY
In Mthombothemba – Church

30 MAY - MONDAY
Travel to Victoria Falls (North to Zambia Border)

31 MAY - TUESDAY
Travel to Bulawayo from Victoria Falls

1 June - WEDNESDAY
In Mthombothemba - Farewell
Peniel Center – Minister to staff and kids - Farewell

2 JUNE - THURSDAY
9:00 am - to Airport
12:50 pm – Flight departs Bulawayo for Johannesburg (South Africa Flt# 8111)
2:25 pm – Arrive Johannesburg
8:35 pm – Depart Johannesburg for JFK (South Africa Flt# 203)
(Flight time – 16 hours 5 min)

3 JUNE - FRIDAY
6:40 am – Arrive JFK
6:59 pm – Depart JFK for Denver (Jet Blue Flt# 97)
9:51 pm – Arrive DIA

13 days

There is something funny about traveling. It is always bittersweet.

You don't want to leave you friends and family and loved ones... but you're so excited for the adventure ahead.

You don't want to leave your adventure... but you are excited to come home to your loved ones.


There is anticipation in the preparation, but as the day creeps closer, hearts become faint.

I have this picture in my head of a little kid finally allowed to wander on her own. She has been begging for this freedom for years, and jumps in the excitement of the adventure she is about to embark on-- whether that is being able to cross the street for the first time or ride a bike to a friends house. She starts to wander off... confidence in her step. But the more steps away from comfort that she takes, the heavier her feet become. The more she looks back. The more she starts second-guessing her decision for freedom in the first place. "Oh how wonderful my warm bed would feel right now." "Oh how I miss mom's warm embrace and smiling face."

Her pace slows as she begins to dilly-dally. Walking in place. Kicking a rock back and forth over the same square feet of concrete. She has drawn a picture in her head of the grandeur of adventure. The excitement of going off on her own... taking steps in the new world by herself.

But it is so much less than expected. The colors aren't nearly as bright and fanciful as she had dreamed. The air cold and harsh, not warm and welcoming. The empty stares of passerbyers instead of the warm smiles she had seen so clearly. She begins to turn back. Back to safety. Back to comfort. Back to the reality she had taken for granted.


But the funny thing is, life goes on without you. I know, shocking, right? The time spend pondering your adventure was probably time everyone else didn't think twice about it or you. Of course, there are rare exceptions. But for the most part... life goes on.

In 13 days, I will be on an airplane. An airplane that will take me thousands of miles away. And as I sit here and my stomach starts knotting up, I am second-guessing my decision for adventure. I have done this before. This adventure is not as glorified or as beautiful as I had originally anticipated it to be. It is impossible for my heart to really stay detached from the people I will meet and the suffering I will see. As hard as I try and shake it, Uganda won't leave my mind.

But when I got back from Uganda, I realized that life went on without me. Even better without me in some cases. No one else that I did life with was being haunted with the faces. The smiles. The tears. The pain. My relationships were devastated at that point. I was screaming from the inside for someone to understand me. For someone to really get what I was feeling. But no one did. You see, their lives went on as normal... living life in beautiful Denver, Colorado. Working. Going to school. Eating out. Laughing. Content.

In 13 days, I will be on an airplane. I will leave my friends, family, and loved ones once again. And they will keep going. Day in and day out... doing life as usual. For some, I will be a fleeting thought. And when I return, it will be as if nothing really changed for them. One more person to hang out with. One more person to do life with as usual.

But I'll be screaming. I'll be dying for someone to understand.

My prayer today:

That I may feel discouraged, only so I become motivated to change the world. That I may cry, only to draw my heartbeat in line with his. That I may be sad, only to further my compassion and empathy for the lost and the marginalized. That I may feel overwhelmed... With only his love and grace. That I may be emptied, only to be filled again with him. That I may be broken, only to allow myself to decrease and him to increase. That I may hurt, only to move and act on my pain.

God alone deserves all of the glory and all of my praise. May I seek his face and follow his lead so intensely and passionately, that all selfishness fades away. He knows the way. He has a plan to use me to bring about his kingdom here on earth and to glorify him. May I rest in his arms-- fully trusting and breathing in the beautiful fragrance of his love. May I serve, despite the cost. May I love completely without conditions.

Lord, give me the strength. Your will... Not my own. Hold my hand. Comfort me in my sadness. Surround me with people who show me your character daily. May we walk as a body, expressing the grace and mercy you have shown us to everyone we know.

cherry coke zero

I have an awful, terrible addiction to cherry coke zero.

This is strange because even 8 months ago, it had been 5+ years since I had even had any soda whatsoever. But then, I found something delicious in ccz. I can't get enough.

Except today, I was reading about Aspartame, and definitely got freaked out. Did you know that Aspartame is closely linked to multiple sclerosis? When people who have MS and also consume aspartame were taken off the aspartame, their symptoms disappeared. Just the fact that this artificial sweetener is even linked to MS at all is scary. As some of you know, MS hits home for me personally.

So, as of right now. I am not drinking anymore Cherry Coke Zero, or any other soda/drink/food sweetened artificially. Yikes. That is scary.

But not only is aspartame linked to diseases like cancer, MS, lupus, and fibromyalgia, it also isn't really "diet" at all. It increases carbohydrate cravings. It causes more formaldehyde to build up in your brain, your nervous system, and in your eyes (WTF!! Why would I want a nasty perservative chemical in my brain!?). It holds on to fat cells.

Anyways. This is just what is on my mind today. Just as our lives our not our own, our bodies aren't either. Yes, diet cherry coke may taste delicious... but if it is actually harming me, why would I want to put it in my body!?

Ironically, right before I sat down to get on the computer, I opened one of my sodas and drank half of it. Guess this guy is going down the drain.

I am going to head to Whole Foods now and see if I can find a soda sweetened by stevia-- an all-natural sweetener. :) I'll let you know my findings. :)

zim

So, I am sitting here overflowing with joy and overwhelmed with awe.

I saw Jesus tonight. In a way I haven't been able to feel him since I was in Uganda.

I saw Jesus in community.

Ten people. Ten hearts. Holding hands in a circle... sharing hearts about ministry and life and struggles and excitements. Praying with each other and for each other. Celebrating God's completely unknown will. Anxious at the thought of his wonderous plan. Unclenching. Letting go.

More of YOU, Jesus. Less of me.

Oh goodness, do I love my team! God has combined a group of people who's hearts beat for the exact same thing. We are truly one body-- with set giftings and talents. We are beautiful and precious. Jer. Jill. Siam. Rick. Rach. Amy. Andrew. Wendie. Adam.

My prayer tonight is that we strip all selfishness from ourselves and put on Jesus alone. That we may be filled to the fullest capacity with ONLY HIM. That we may unclench our fists and let go of our lives. We are not our own. May we seek sanctification and righteousness. May we hold one another accountible in love and respect. May we continue to seek God's face and heart alone. May our eyes be so attuned to following Jesus that our faces are buried in his shoulder blades. May we seek his will alone. May his still, small voice be constant and louder than anyother-- de-fogging our eyes and revealing his path and plan. 

God is good. So good. He is living and so active. He is moving--in wonderful, beautiful ways. I just need to put myself aside and let him do his thing. 

Thank you, my Jesus, for revealing your presence to us so clearly. You have your hand in all of this... and your will is perfect and it is good. May we rest and be comforted knowing this is the case. To you alone be ALL glory.

god is just

I've been thinking about this blog post for a while now. I have a weird tendency to want to be marcionistic when it comes to faith. It is so much easier to reconcile Jesus and the New Testament, as opposed to the Old Testament.

For those of you who don't take Historical Theology in your off time, Marcion was considered a heretic because he viewed two separate gods in Scripture.

The Old Testament God was vengeful, wrathful, and desired blood above all else. He would be the unapproachable, strike-you-with-lightening-bolts type of god. This was Yahweh.

The New Testament God was a lovely, sweet, kind-hearted God who forgives all and came to appease the Old Testament scary God. This was Jesus.

This is all according to Marcion. (PS-- Try pronouncing his name out loud. I could just say it over and over... Marcion. Marcion. Sometimes I wish I spoke French).

While I can clearly see the heretical and false theology in Marcion's argument, when I read Scripture, I can't help but side with him, even just a little.

On the surface, it does seem like two opposing gods. Two opposing canons. Two opposing dispositions.

But when you dig deeper, you see how completely wrong Marcion was.

Over the last several months (since like, November), I have been listening to the Bible on my iPod in my car. starting with Genesis... allll the way through to Revelation. I am not going to pretend like this is a daily occurrence. Sometimes, I'll go a week or two without. It isn't always the easiest or most attention grabbing thing to do whilst driving.

But on this reading (listening-- by the way, listening to a British women read through Numbers is definitely the way to go), I have really been focusing on how fluid and whole the entire canon really is. God is the same from Genesis to Revelation-- despite what the surface may tell you.

My Marcionic tendencies would read about God striking down hundreds of thousands of people, and gasp-- slamming my Bible shut, my eyes darting around the room hoping no poor unbeliever read that passage with me. That isn't the God I claim to serve. That isn't the loving, sweet Jesus who called me his friend. Where did these people get this garbage?! I would tiptoe around these passages, even ignore them alltogether.

I would read about Jesus serving the poor, healing the sick, loving the marginalized. How in the world could that be the same God? For a while, I even told people that I just ignore the Old Testament because it is so confusing. Just call me Jessica Marcion.

But what I didn't understand, what I was missing, was the concept of justice. To be just is to be righteous, lawful, and fair.

God is just.

People claim to desire justice, but really, if we all deeply wanted justice, we would be condemning ourselves in God's eyes. According to his law, we are completely bound in sin. We are completely of this world. We are slaves to sin-- according to Paul in Romans 6. If God was completely just, we would all be headed to hell in a hand basket (I have absolutely no idea what that expression means). So yes, without Jesus as our substiutionary atonement, God does seem wrathful. But that is his justice. He seeks justice. He offers nothing in its place.

But, as recorded in the New Testament (and prophesied in the Old), God sent an atoning sacrifice for our sins. He sent his son, to die... once and for all... in place of our sins. God no longer sees sins upon his children, but he sees Jesus. So after Jesus lived, was crucifed, and rose again-- a physical, God with skin on-- the Immanuel, we are no longer slaves to sin. But instead, we are slaves to righteousness. We are slaves to God's justice. But don't worry folks. God promises that our new master offers only light and easy burdens. That we are freed finally from the oppression of sin, and can actually look up toward God-- seeking santification and righteousness. This grace-- this free gift-- is ours, so that we can avoid the wrath and firey inferno. Ephesians 2:1-10 says it really well. Go check it out.

So no. The God of the Old Testament is no different than in the New. The entire canon just proves God's desire for justice, and his perfect love that he pours out on his children-- through grace and mercy.

Would you rather love someone completely and never be loved back? Or be loved by someone, but never love?

What a tricky question. If you were to have asked me this a while ago, I would have said option one: unrequited love.

But I guess I never fully understood the pain and rejection that goes along with option one. To love is to give your heart to someone, open and vulnerable... Intimately desiring to meet their deepest needs.

But when that isn't reciprocated, it is painful. That person who you let in... Who you let see even the yuckiest, most intimate parts of your heart, abuses it. They abuse that knowledge. They use your selflessness for selfish purposes.

So maybe it is better to choose option two.

Kidding. Now thattt would be selfish.

My heart hurts. Really really bad tonight. Pray that I can understand what love really is...

Sometimes being vulnerable sucks. Sometimes I wish I still had my heart boxed up and guarded in those thick walls. I didn't let myself hurt. I didn't let myself feel. I ignored any weight or pain. It was easy.

But this isn't easy. It is terrifying.

Sometimes being real with someone gets you hurt. So bad I want to shrink away... And start patching up a make shift walls so it won't happen again.

gluing my eyes to jesus

So I am not usually "that" Jesus-freak girl that tells everyone when God speaks to her.

But God spoke to me the other day. You see, God has this funny way of revealing himself to me in the most ironic and unique of ways... but that is another story for another day.

I have only heard God speak to me audibly once. And by audibly, I mean, as loud as possible in my heart. That was several years ago. Sometimes I hear faint whispers and echos within me, but this was a different experience.

This week, I was sitting in chapel, praying, journaling, reading my Bible, doing my own studying (You know, the usual when the speaker isn't quite as interesting as you would have hoped). And I just got this picture in my head, a vision, if you will.

It just was an illustration of what my role is.

So you know when you are talking to someone, but they look past you... beyond your vision, just staring at something/one in the distance? Well, being a curious human, what is your instinct?

To turn around and see what they are looking at. What could be so interesting and distracting? What in the world could they be staring at? 

This is my goal. I need to have my eyes so fixed on Jesus that everyone around me wonders what is so interesting for me to look at. What could she possibly be watching so intently and joyfully?

Then, naturally, people will start to turn and look at Him, too. Fixing their eyes on the King of Glory.

To Him be the glory alone.

joy

I dont really like the word "happy". Yes, it describes an emotion, but I just think of "happy" as something temporary and fleeting. As something worldly and only semi-permanent. I try and avoid using happy to describe anything.

I do like "joyful". I think that word describes something deeper than happiness. I don't desire to be temporarily happy.... But I do want to always have joy. You see, joy transcends circumstance. If someone is joyful, they find joy no matter what. Whereas happiness is conditional and, well, fleeting.

I am not happy with my life. I am joyful. I am content beyond belief. I have realized how wonderful of a family I have. How lucky am I do have 4 sisters who I actually want to be friends with?! As we get closer and get along better, I couldn't imagine any different of a family. I love them. :)

How lucky am I to have such remarkable friendships!? I have a large group of people I consider my best friends. They live all over the country. They are the people I can pick right up where we left off... Those who I never worry about losing because they really will be my friends forever.

And I am so blessed to have a man in my life who reveals the character of Jesus to me daily. He has helped me redefine love and relationship. It is so beautiful. I sit in thankful awe daily because of him.

And, best of all, I have a God who leads me with lovingkindness day in and out. He is my rock and my shield. What is more joyous than that?!?

So no. I am not happy.

I am overflowing with joy.

Peniel

So while Jesus was in the process of smashing my heart into bits and pieces only to rebuild it again, I did an exegetical paper on Genesis 32-- Jacob wrestling with God. I wrote a whole blog post about it and how it related to my life as I did my own wrestling with God. (You can read it here).

After you re-read that post. Bookmark that in your brain.

Some of you may know, I am going to Zimbabwe for the month of May and South Africa for June and July.

There is something ironic about the place we are staying in Zimbabwe. It is called "Peniel." If you have ever read Genesis 32 (please take the 5 minutes to do so now.....) you know that after Jacob wrestles with God, he renames that place "Face of God"-- "Peniel."

I don't know why this seems so significant, but I wrestled with God, (and lost... miserably), wrote about it, was completely utterly broken by him the very next day (read that blog post again here), and now the place where I will be working is titled Peniel.... There is something significant there. God is reminding me of my wrestling. That is isn't over.

It is just beginning.

jessica taylor... aka wordy mcworderson

I have a boyfriend who doesn't necessarily like words. This is a problem for me considering I am definitely a word-aholic. Sometimes he has to just "shhh" me because I feel the need to describe every little thing. I feel like I have to ascribe a word to every feeling, emotion, moment, etc... EVERYTHING can be described, and should be as far as I am concerned.

but what if, sometimes, words don't really do something justice? whether it be a moment or an emotion, can words ever really be enough?

I am struggling with this currently with three words in particular. I mean, I think you can guess what three I am talking about.

"1-4-3 I la-la-la-love you" (Yes, please sing that in your head, dear readers).

Now, please stop.

Take a second to take a deep breath. Rid yourself of any immediate judgment you may have toward me. I can hear you saying this in your head, "Jessica, you have dated for two months, really?!?"

That is neither here nor there and is not the point or purpose of this blog post.

What I want to discuss is what those words really mean.

For me, in most situations, I find words to describe a moment. However, sometimes, I find moments to describe words. I think that is where I go a little overboard. Instead of experiencing the perfect movie-like scene, I find something that could vaguely resemble it and then jazz it up with some winsome, romantic, endearing story. While some would say that is lying, I call it good storytelling. ;) But really. I manipulate. I always have, and probably always will struggle with it. I manipulate situations with words. I could argue myself out of anything and I could make someone fall in love with me with words.

(which is ironic because David actually doesn't like my ultra-wordy-ness, therefore my scheme to win him over with my eloquent speech is null and void. oh Jesus and your sense of humor).

Anyways, I think that is what I have done with "l***." I have manipulated it to fit all situations.

In high school, I was called the "I-Love-You-Whore." Because, as many of you can guess, I tell everyone and their mom that I love them. And it is true. I love people. All people. I would do anything for anyone. But this excessive verbal expression of love skewed what true "love" really is in my head. Yes, I love everyone, so I should tell them. But really Jess... don't actions speak louder than words? Yes, I have several tattoos describing my affinity toward "love," but what good are they if they don't remind me to ACT on the love I claim to PROFESS?

In past relationships, I used two things to get people to become attached to me. One of them was my words. I would tell guys that I loved them, knowing full-well I didn't, just so they would feel the need to say it back. I could convince them that maybe this is what love really is... maybe this is what it is supposed to feel like. Every man wants to be needed. Just like every woman does. What better way to prove that you are needed than to have your significant other verbally confess their love for you?!

(annoying Taboo buzzer noise) WRONG.

There are better ways. Love is NOT manipulating. Love is not a word. Love is an indescribable emotion. Something that will never be correctly described by words. Yet, so much of what I have done and probably will still do is sell "love" short.

It makes me physically ill that I have damaged something as stunning and beautiful as "love." Especially for my past significant others... they didn't deserve my manipulation. They didn't deserve what I said was love. I can just hope that they can truly experience the wordlessness that is love. that is agape. I wish that someone would have told me how special those words are. How that those words are the best we have to describe something as beautiful and unconditional of an emotion, so don't screw them up. Don't stain them with cheap versions of love.

If someone would have told me that, maybe I wouldn't be having this gross feeling inside. That for so long I have settled for cheap love and shown conditional love. That I wouldn't be fearful that I will never be able to describe or express the true, agape-love that I feel. That I have sold "love" short.

New Years Resolutions: 2011 Style

So I kind of sucked at the whole New Year's Resolution thing for 2010. 

For those of you who don't creep enough to remember, let me remind you of what they were. 

a) Not shaving for an entire year. (I can hear a sound of relief that this wasn't accomplished)... However, I did last until the end of March. Pretttyyyy impressive. :)

b) No candy. Pahhh! (Yes, that was an Adam-esque laugh, Rachel). If you know me, you knowwww I have a major sweet tooth. Not for cookies or cake, but for Orange Sour Patch Kids and Dove Dark Chocolate. Oh. My. Flipping. Goodness. I think this lasted not even a week.

c) No fast food. I mean, I don't actually eat fast food by choice, ever. But I definitely broke this one. Probably pretty early on in 2010.

d) I made this super huge long list of books I wanted to read. Yeah. After my reading-crazy-Lent ended I only read like 2 off of the list. Epic fail.

So pretty much, I could have told you from day 23 of 2010, that it was going to be a rough year. I had no idea how rough was rough. My heart was broken, twisted, wrung dry, walled up, smashed, shattered, and....... eventually restored. 2010 was really the year from h-e-double hockey sticks. And that isn't an exaggeration. 

When I look back at where I was a year ago... on January 1, 2010, when I made all of those ridiculous resolutions, my stomach starts turning. If only I had known the upheaval my life was about to have. I wish I could have talked to myself.... given some kind of warning. I wish I could have told myself what decisions to make and I probably would have slapped myself across the face. I wish I could have saved myself from the pain and loss I experienced. 

But alas. Here I am. Still at the beginning of yet another new year. Still completely unaware of what God is going to do. Still taking life one day at a time. Still blissfully ignorant. 

Someone gave me a much needed reminder a few weeks ago:: "You can't control everything, you know that right?"

As my heart wrestles with that thought, I know deep down the answer is yes. Thank God I am not in control. But still a big part of me wants to fight with teeth and nails to have control. To hold onto whatever I can with all of my might. 

But look at where that led me in 2010. Devastatingly broken, alone, and empty.

So for 2011, I am not going to make a physical resolution. But instead I am going to resolve to let go. To submit under his beautiful, light yoke and let him be in control. 

If there is one thing I learned in 2010, it is that God never ceases to surprise you. Some surprises are wrapped perfectly in beautiful paper and bows. Some look like a sh** was taken on them. But either way, God is good. He is still on the throne. He has a plan and purpose... who am I to question him? 

Yes, he punished Israel for their disobedience and whore-ish-ness. He made them wander in the wilderness until the very last (minus Caleb and Joshua) was dead. He made them eat manna and quail until it was coming out their ears. He made them wish they were still oppressed and enslaved in Egypt.

But... he still led them to the Promised Land. To the land flowing with milk and honey. He still provided them with manna and quail. He still delivered them from their enemies and brought them out of Egypt. 

He was present. He was in the cloud of smoke and pillar of fire. He lit their path and directed their ways (even if they didn't respond responsibly). 

That has never resonated with me more deeply than looking at 2010. 

I was stripped of everything. Like an Israelite stuck in the hot, middle eastern desert for 40 years, eating only nasty, crusty bread, and gross bird, I was wandering. I was wallowing in my sorrows, convinced that God was against me. I would have done anything to gone back to my blissfully ignorant self... before reality. before Uganda. before suicide. before break-ups. 

But what I didn't realize at the time was that God was present. He was still in the smoke and fire. Even if I didn't acknowledge him, he was still there. Pointing in the right direction, waiting for me to follow his lead. 

And when I did follow his lead... when I finally took my eyes from the pity of my surroundings and looked for his... when I took that leap of faith.... I jumped into his arms. Not only did he heal me, but he restored me. He brought me up out of my sorrows and self-pity. He redeemed me and made me beautiful again. He led me into green pastures and revealed himself to me. He lifted me up and allowed me to see the bigger picture. He showed me why he let me suffer and be broken. He showed me how point a brought me to point b. I was given a glimpse of his plan. He trusted me enough to reveal that to me. And I am so grateful. 

So, I am not going to make the same closed-off, guarded mistakes I made in 2010. Instead, I am going to live in reckless abandon to the one, true God who has it all under control.