I have a boyfriend who doesn't necessarily like words. This is a problem for me considering I am definitely a word-aholic. Sometimes he has to just "shhh" me because I feel the need to describe every little thing. I feel like I have to ascribe a word to every feeling, emotion, moment, etc... EVERYTHING can be described, and should be as far as I am concerned.
but what if, sometimes, words don't really do something justice? whether it be a moment or an emotion, can words ever really be enough?
I am struggling with this currently with three words in particular. I mean, I think you can guess what three I am talking about.
"1-4-3 I la-la-la-love you" (Yes, please sing that in your head, dear readers).
Now, please stop.
Take a second to take a deep breath. Rid yourself of any immediate judgment you may have toward me. I can hear you saying this in your head, "Jessica, you have dated for two months, really?!?"
That is neither here nor there and is not the point or purpose of this blog post.
What I want to discuss is what those words really mean.
For me, in most situations, I find words to describe a moment. However, sometimes, I find moments to describe words. I think that is where I go a little overboard. Instead of experiencing the perfect movie-like scene, I find something that could vaguely resemble it and then jazz it up with some winsome, romantic, endearing story. While some would say that is lying, I call it good storytelling. ;) But really. I manipulate. I always have, and probably always will struggle with it. I manipulate situations with words. I could argue myself out of anything and I could make someone fall in love with me with words.
(which is ironic because David actually doesn't like my ultra-wordy-ness, therefore my scheme to win him over with my eloquent speech is null and void. oh Jesus and your sense of humor).
Anyways, I think that is what I have done with "l***." I have manipulated it to fit all situations.
In high school, I was called the "I-Love-You-Whore." Because, as many of you can guess, I tell everyone and their mom that I love them. And it is true. I love people. All people. I would do anything for anyone. But this excessive verbal expression of love skewed what true "love" really is in my head. Yes, I love everyone, so I should tell them. But really Jess... don't actions speak louder than words? Yes, I have several tattoos describing my affinity toward "love," but what good are they if they don't remind me to ACT on the love I claim to PROFESS?
In past relationships, I used two things to get people to become attached to me. One of them was my words. I would tell guys that I loved them, knowing full-well I didn't, just so they would feel the need to say it back. I could convince them that maybe this is what love really is... maybe this is what it is supposed to feel like. Every man wants to be needed. Just like every woman does. What better way to prove that you are needed than to have your significant other verbally confess their love for you?!
(annoying Taboo buzzer noise) WRONG.
There are better ways. Love is NOT manipulating. Love is not a word. Love is an indescribable emotion. Something that will never be correctly described by words. Yet, so much of what I have done and probably will still do is sell "love" short.
It makes me physically ill that I have damaged something as stunning and beautiful as "love." Especially for my past significant others... they didn't deserve my manipulation. They didn't deserve what I said was love. I can just hope that they can truly experience the wordlessness that is love. that is agape. I wish that someone would have told me how special those words are. How that those words are the best we have to describe something as beautiful and unconditional of an emotion, so don't screw them up. Don't stain them with cheap versions of love.
If someone would have told me that, maybe I wouldn't be having this gross feeling inside. That for so long I have settled for cheap love and shown conditional love. That I wouldn't be fearful that I will never be able to describe or express the true, agape-love that I feel. That I have sold "love" short.
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