New Years Resolutions: 2011 Style

So I kind of sucked at the whole New Year's Resolution thing for 2010. 

For those of you who don't creep enough to remember, let me remind you of what they were. 

a) Not shaving for an entire year. (I can hear a sound of relief that this wasn't accomplished)... However, I did last until the end of March. Pretttyyyy impressive. :)

b) No candy. Pahhh! (Yes, that was an Adam-esque laugh, Rachel). If you know me, you knowwww I have a major sweet tooth. Not for cookies or cake, but for Orange Sour Patch Kids and Dove Dark Chocolate. Oh. My. Flipping. Goodness. I think this lasted not even a week.

c) No fast food. I mean, I don't actually eat fast food by choice, ever. But I definitely broke this one. Probably pretty early on in 2010.

d) I made this super huge long list of books I wanted to read. Yeah. After my reading-crazy-Lent ended I only read like 2 off of the list. Epic fail.

So pretty much, I could have told you from day 23 of 2010, that it was going to be a rough year. I had no idea how rough was rough. My heart was broken, twisted, wrung dry, walled up, smashed, shattered, and....... eventually restored. 2010 was really the year from h-e-double hockey sticks. And that isn't an exaggeration. 

When I look back at where I was a year ago... on January 1, 2010, when I made all of those ridiculous resolutions, my stomach starts turning. If only I had known the upheaval my life was about to have. I wish I could have talked to myself.... given some kind of warning. I wish I could have told myself what decisions to make and I probably would have slapped myself across the face. I wish I could have saved myself from the pain and loss I experienced. 

But alas. Here I am. Still at the beginning of yet another new year. Still completely unaware of what God is going to do. Still taking life one day at a time. Still blissfully ignorant. 

Someone gave me a much needed reminder a few weeks ago:: "You can't control everything, you know that right?"

As my heart wrestles with that thought, I know deep down the answer is yes. Thank God I am not in control. But still a big part of me wants to fight with teeth and nails to have control. To hold onto whatever I can with all of my might. 

But look at where that led me in 2010. Devastatingly broken, alone, and empty.

So for 2011, I am not going to make a physical resolution. But instead I am going to resolve to let go. To submit under his beautiful, light yoke and let him be in control. 

If there is one thing I learned in 2010, it is that God never ceases to surprise you. Some surprises are wrapped perfectly in beautiful paper and bows. Some look like a sh** was taken on them. But either way, God is good. He is still on the throne. He has a plan and purpose... who am I to question him? 

Yes, he punished Israel for their disobedience and whore-ish-ness. He made them wander in the wilderness until the very last (minus Caleb and Joshua) was dead. He made them eat manna and quail until it was coming out their ears. He made them wish they were still oppressed and enslaved in Egypt.

But... he still led them to the Promised Land. To the land flowing with milk and honey. He still provided them with manna and quail. He still delivered them from their enemies and brought them out of Egypt. 

He was present. He was in the cloud of smoke and pillar of fire. He lit their path and directed their ways (even if they didn't respond responsibly). 

That has never resonated with me more deeply than looking at 2010. 

I was stripped of everything. Like an Israelite stuck in the hot, middle eastern desert for 40 years, eating only nasty, crusty bread, and gross bird, I was wandering. I was wallowing in my sorrows, convinced that God was against me. I would have done anything to gone back to my blissfully ignorant self... before reality. before Uganda. before suicide. before break-ups. 

But what I didn't realize at the time was that God was present. He was still in the smoke and fire. Even if I didn't acknowledge him, he was still there. Pointing in the right direction, waiting for me to follow his lead. 

And when I did follow his lead... when I finally took my eyes from the pity of my surroundings and looked for his... when I took that leap of faith.... I jumped into his arms. Not only did he heal me, but he restored me. He brought me up out of my sorrows and self-pity. He redeemed me and made me beautiful again. He led me into green pastures and revealed himself to me. He lifted me up and allowed me to see the bigger picture. He showed me why he let me suffer and be broken. He showed me how point a brought me to point b. I was given a glimpse of his plan. He trusted me enough to reveal that to me. And I am so grateful. 

So, I am not going to make the same closed-off, guarded mistakes I made in 2010. Instead, I am going to live in reckless abandon to the one, true God who has it all under control.