13 days

There is something funny about traveling. It is always bittersweet.

You don't want to leave you friends and family and loved ones... but you're so excited for the adventure ahead.

You don't want to leave your adventure... but you are excited to come home to your loved ones.


There is anticipation in the preparation, but as the day creeps closer, hearts become faint.

I have this picture in my head of a little kid finally allowed to wander on her own. She has been begging for this freedom for years, and jumps in the excitement of the adventure she is about to embark on-- whether that is being able to cross the street for the first time or ride a bike to a friends house. She starts to wander off... confidence in her step. But the more steps away from comfort that she takes, the heavier her feet become. The more she looks back. The more she starts second-guessing her decision for freedom in the first place. "Oh how wonderful my warm bed would feel right now." "Oh how I miss mom's warm embrace and smiling face."

Her pace slows as she begins to dilly-dally. Walking in place. Kicking a rock back and forth over the same square feet of concrete. She has drawn a picture in her head of the grandeur of adventure. The excitement of going off on her own... taking steps in the new world by herself.

But it is so much less than expected. The colors aren't nearly as bright and fanciful as she had dreamed. The air cold and harsh, not warm and welcoming. The empty stares of passerbyers instead of the warm smiles she had seen so clearly. She begins to turn back. Back to safety. Back to comfort. Back to the reality she had taken for granted.


But the funny thing is, life goes on without you. I know, shocking, right? The time spend pondering your adventure was probably time everyone else didn't think twice about it or you. Of course, there are rare exceptions. But for the most part... life goes on.

In 13 days, I will be on an airplane. An airplane that will take me thousands of miles away. And as I sit here and my stomach starts knotting up, I am second-guessing my decision for adventure. I have done this before. This adventure is not as glorified or as beautiful as I had originally anticipated it to be. It is impossible for my heart to really stay detached from the people I will meet and the suffering I will see. As hard as I try and shake it, Uganda won't leave my mind.

But when I got back from Uganda, I realized that life went on without me. Even better without me in some cases. No one else that I did life with was being haunted with the faces. The smiles. The tears. The pain. My relationships were devastated at that point. I was screaming from the inside for someone to understand me. For someone to really get what I was feeling. But no one did. You see, their lives went on as normal... living life in beautiful Denver, Colorado. Working. Going to school. Eating out. Laughing. Content.

In 13 days, I will be on an airplane. I will leave my friends, family, and loved ones once again. And they will keep going. Day in and day out... doing life as usual. For some, I will be a fleeting thought. And when I return, it will be as if nothing really changed for them. One more person to hang out with. One more person to do life with as usual.

But I'll be screaming. I'll be dying for someone to understand.