lamentations

Lamentations 3:22-24:

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

I love Lamentations. As the Israelites lament in their captivity, chapter 3 recognizes God's great and beautiful compassion in it all. He is still their rock of salvation and is continuously and endlessly faithful.

What a wonderful God we serve.

Lord, may I be reminded of your new mercies every morning. May I remember your cross in everything that I do, the words I say, and the way that I reflect who you are. Thank you for sending your son in the muck and mire of this world to be a shining light of hope and grace for the brokenness that is humanity. I love you Jesus. :)

current favorite songs

starlight. muse.
jar of hearts. christina perri.
lullaby. spill canvas.
i can feel it. lights out dancing.
any bruno mars song.
love like woe. the ready set.
amazing. hedley.
like we used to. a rocket to the moon.
the mess i made. parachute.
in your arms. the maine.
sweetness in starlight. matt wertz.

[[a major shout out to my lovely friend, jadeyladey. she is my music muse.]]

star wars nerd.

I am a nerd. If you couldn't tell from that picture-- I have my hair in very awesome Princess Leia buns AND I just found my retainer today after MONTHS of not having it, so now I am trying to get in the habit of actually using it. It hurts like a mother. Like I actually just took advil because the pain of my retainer was so distracting.

I am a nerd. And totally okay with it. My friends expect nothing different.

Anyways, the reason I have my hair in Leia buns is for our family Christmas card. I will post the final picture up once we get the cards out. I don't want to ruin anyone's surprise! :) Just trust me... it. is. awesome.

Okay. Enough procrastinating. I actually have to work on my paper for American Lit. I can't do the whole pull two all-nighters in a row. That is just crazy.

draw near to the fire

"When people choose to withdraw far from a fire, the fire continues to give warmth, but they grow cold.  When people choose to withdraw far from light, the light continues to be bright in itself but they are in darkness.  This is also the case when people withdraw from God."

--St. Augustine of Hippo

I love this quote. 

As I pull my third all-nighter of the semester (no wonder I keep getting sick!), I ran across this quote. I love it. It is such a beautiful reminder of God's unchanging nature-- he is timeless. He is the same in the past, present, and future. His love never changes, but where we are in according to him is what changes. It is our decision to move closer to the light or distance ourselves. 

Lord, may I continue to seek your face always-- drawing near to the warmth that radiates from your love and the light that penetrates the darkness. You alone are good. Thank you Jesus for your timelessness. I am so lucky to be called your daughter. May you continue to challenge me and stretch me in ways only you know how. I love you.

air filled with light

"The union between humans and God in Eden was like air filled with light. Air does not possess its own luminosity when light is present. Air has not been given its own luminosity, but it becomes lustrous. In much the same way, human beings are filled with light when God is present to them; if God is absent, darkness falls on them. Such separation is not caused by distance in space but by a turning away of the human will."

--Augustine (A Literal Commentary on Genesis)

My Marine Friend: Part 2

This morning, I got a text from my mom saying I had a letter waiting for me upstairs. Minutes before I was rolling around dreading getting out of bed, but as soon as I read that, I jumped (literally) up and ran upstairs.

Why, do you ask?

Well, you see. I have been waiting for this letter for a few months now.

It is from my Marine friend. You know, the one I met on the short plane ride from Salt Lake to Denver.

The letter is dated November 4th, so I know a lot has happened since then, but at the time of the letter he was doing well. He said he lost a few friends. :( Which is so sad and so hard. I can't even imagine.

At the end of the letter he said: "You'll be the one to save the world one day. :)"

When we were talking on the plane, I was telling him how hippie-esque I am, and about my obsession with Africa and how I am definitely a lover, not a fighter. And he goes, well, I guess we both have different ways to find peace. Different ways to save the world.

While I am still convinced that mine is the better way, this last line of his letter made me smile. :)

Keep Zac in your prayers and thoughts. I don't know if he really knows Jesus. So be praying for that. I am going to try and bring it up in my reply letter.

Also, his birthday is coming up in December (I just remember it is in December because I can't get on Facebook to double check). So pray for that for him. I know all these holidays away from home can't be easy.

Here are more of the series! :)


Dating And Marriage Landmines from Red Rocks Church on Vimeo.


Dating and Marriage Landmines Pt 2 from Red Rocks Church on Vimeo.


The Sex Battle from Red Rocks Church on Vimeo.

this means war

If you are a person, you need to watch this sermon series from Red Rocks Church. It is titled "This Means War." It is all about relationships and redefining "love." Moving away from the cheap love of this world into a beautiful love-- as God meant it to be.

Please watch these. Amazing.

http://www.redrockschurch.com/media/watch-messages/


The Marriage Battle Pt. 1 from Red Rocks Church on Vimeo.



The Marriage Battle Pt. 2 from Red Rocks Church on Vimeo.




The Marriage Battle Pt. 3 from Red Rocks Church on Vimeo.

advent conspiracy

Attention all friends and family. I will not be accepting any gifts this Christmas season. Instead, I am asking you all to give to either one of your favorite charities or one of mine (conveniently listed below).

I would love to remind you all to be more intentional with your money and the Christmas season. This is rough for me because I LOVEEE buying people gifts. There is nothing quite like buying the perfect gift for someone. I am not someone who holds onto money, but I probably spend too much too frequently. This year, I am asking you to partner with me in spending our money to give to others in far greater need than I will ever be in. Yes, I would love new perfume, new shoes, starbucks for life, and new books... BUT I never have to worry about starving. or having somewhere warm to sleep. or dying from poor medical care. or drinking bad water.

My life is easy. For some reason, God blessed me in the family I was born into. In the city I live. With the opportunities that I have.

That reason can't be selfish. Jesus was the most selfless person to ever walk this earth. Why do I continue to be selfish in my money? with my time? with holidays?

This year, I want to be more intentional about worship-- through money, time, service, and love.

Here are some of my favorite organizations:

food for the hungry.[[international... who I traveled with to uganda]]
world vision. [[international]]
come let's dance.[[grassroots, holistic organization in uganda]]
charity: water. [[safe-drinking water to developing nations]]
(red). [[fighting aids]]
twloha. [[suicide awareness and prevention]]
love 146. [[ending sex-trafficking]]
amazima ministries. [[my hero's organization-- a 20 year-old, mom to 14 kids in uganda]]
gospel for asia. [[pretty self-explanatory]]
elias fund.  [[works in zimbabwe]]
one. [[grassroots to end poverty in africa]]
kiva. [[micro-loans]]
1010 project. [[works in kenya]]
end fistulas. [[google "fistula", you'll understand why we need to prevent them]]

Obviously, my heart is in Africa, but there are hundreds of thousands of organizations that exist. Choose your favorites. Invest in those.

Have you considered sponsoring a child yet? Do it. I am sponsoring two little girls from Barakalo, Uganda. I had the extraordinary privilege of holding and loving on these two beautiful girls. I miss them more than words can say.

May this Christmas not be about us. But about HIM.


James 1:27 says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

I am going back to Africa during the month of May. Zimbabwe to be exact. It is going to cost $2,800.00 approx. I am really going to try and pay for this as much as I possibly can by myself, but if you feel called to give to that as my "Christmas" gift, I would be so thankful. Email me and I'll give you the instructions on how to give and make it a tax deduction. :)

*****
"It makes our mouths drop and our stomachs turn when we realize that the amount of money we spend on Christmas in America is close to 45 times the amount of money it would take to supply the entire world with clean water." (pg. 13, Advent Conspiracy)

the best damn sinner

Sometimes I think about how I would want people to describe me. I am not sure if normal people do this, but I do.

The funny thing is, when you think of these words it forces you to wonder, if asked, what would people describe you as now? Some descriptions are probably not so sugar-coated.

As far as negatively, I think people would describe me as:

late. busy. judgmental. lost. selfish. hypocritical. closed-minded. idealistic.

That is probably just the start of what people would say if asked. While those things are all true in their own respects, that doesn't describe Jesus.

*****

Here are some words I would love to embody. Some I work on, some I don't. Some need major attention. Some come naturally. Some may seem to contradict, but I think there is a healthy balance somewhere in the inbetween.

self-controlled. patient. inwardly beautiful. joyful. smiley. respectful daughter. forgiving friend. loving sister. faithful. bold. peaceful. loving without expectations. fun. gentle. spontaneous. disciplined. smart. witty. winsome. servant. sacrificial. authentic. compassionate. forgiving. honest. courageous. quiet leader. fair. unbiased. open to ideas, but secure in my beliefs. selfless. enthusiastic. optimistic. idealistic. thankful. receptive.

really... i just want to imitate jesus. day in and day out. i want people to see the light of Christ that shines on me totally naturally. i want to be so transformed by Him, that my life is a pure reflection of his perfect character. (yes, I realize I can't be perfect... but I can strive for perfection!).

At one of my 4783083 funerals I went to this past year, a guy got up and described the man who died as the best sinner you will ever meet. What a beautiful way to be known.


Have you ever thought about this? How would you want to have people describe you? How do you think people describe you now?

the thrill of the chaste

I just read a book called "the thrill of the chaste."

Yes. I have become "that girl."

Anyways, this book, while awkward and slightly TMI at points, is insightful. It is a realistic memoir of a woman who realized how badly she was screwing up her life and her view of love by the cheap love she was seeking in one-night stands.

Dawn Eden does a beautiful job of relating Jesus to all things not-Jesus.\

Here are a few just random ramblings about the book. :)

*****

She was describing the unique picture that marriage resembles. It is a representation of the greater marriage between Jesus and his bride-- the Church. When men and women get married, they are showing a commitment on the deepest level. Yet why is it that secular people see the importance in marriage also? While they may not understand that marriage is a picture of the unity between Christ and his bride, they still cry, rejoice, and cheer at weddings. It is because we all can see and feel something greater being represented in marriage. It isn't just an excuse to have sex or live together, but it represents a deep agreement and commitment of eternity with one another. Even non-Christians understand that.

That is the purpose of marriage. To show your friends and family that you are giving yourself to another person.

Why then does our culture excuse casual sex so nonchalantly?

"When a man and woman live together in harmony, and there is a peace between them, the Divine presence dwells in their midst. The reason for this is that when you take two things which are by definition opposites and bring them together, this is a microcosm of the purpose of the creation of the world."--Rabbi Jay Spero

Describing the difference between men and women, she says, "Women are soft on the outside and hard on the inside, while men are hard on the outside and soft on the inside." I love that. What a cool picture of how God created us to really complete one another.

The Aidenator.

This is Aida Elle.

She has an "aural hematoma." Which means, she has a blood clot in her ear. (Notice the ear that is sticking out all funny?-- it is really swollen that big!) It feels like a big pocket of water is in her ear flap. Apparently these are caused by ear infections. My baby has had an ear infection for a while now! Poor thing!!! Luckily, hematomas aren't painful, just uncomfortable for doggies. We will definitely be taking a trip to the vet tomorrow. They can drain her ear, but that usually will take 4-5 times of draining it for the hematoma to go away for good. The alternate option is surgery. :( Oh goodness. I will be a wreck if she has to get surgery!!!

Anyways. This is what is happening in my life. :( My poor girl!

10+ Things I Want to do Before I Die

(not in any particular order)

1) See all Seven Natural Wonders of the World
2) Visit every country in the world (Not sure how feasible this is)
3) Visit every continent
4) Save someone's life
5) Be part of a flash mob
6) Memorize a whole book of the Bible
7) Be on some sort of reality gameshow
8) Learn five or more languages
9) Get published
10) Adopt a child(ren)
11) Go to a Yankees World Series Game

There are a lot more by the way. I'll just keep this as a running list. :)

Jacqueline Talia

If I was on facebook yesterday, my status would have read: "Happy birthday to the best friend anyone could ask for!"

It was my bff's birthday. Can I just tell you how much I love her?! We have been besties for seven years, and she really is my other half. She definitely knows me better than I know myself.

We are funny in that we are alike in really different ways. Just not your typical, we dress the same, look the same kind of friendship. It is wayyy cooler than that! ;) But yes, we definitely do the whole i-always-finish-your-thoughts-and-know-what-you-are-thinking thing. We are cute like that.

Her family is my family and mine is hers. She is the most protective person of me and will definitely give you her honest opinion. I love those things about her!! :)

I am so blessed to have someone to call my best friend. I couldn't ask for someone better. :) 

I love you, Linely. I can't wait to celebrate 80 more with you. :) 

Every year, my dad makes us go around the table and say one thing that we are thankful for. Usually I dread this because I never can think of something profoundly deep than just "family... friends...etc...". Well, this year, my dad is out of town, so we probably won't go around the table.

But this may be the first year I have actually thought about what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for grace. God's unchanging character. His timelessness. His beauty. His sacrifice for my sinned, blemished self. For His one and only Son.

I am thankful that despite the fact that I am tarnished, and I am covered with stains and sin, He still loves me. He bridges the gaps that I can't do alone. He fulfills me. Completes me. He runs to meet me, with arms wide open. He cheers for me. He cries with me. He speaks to me.

I am thankful for my Jesus. The One who makes life worth living. The One who challenges me and pushes me to be not of this world. The One who allows me to see the bigger picture. The One who reminds me that there is more. There is hope.

He would be my answer to "What are you thankful for this year?"

Jesus.
My Savior.
My Creator.
My Friend.

"He who counts the stars and calls them by their names, is in no danger of forgetting His own children. He knows your case as thoroughly as if you were the only creature He ever made, or the only saint He ever loved."

--C.H. Spurgeon

Cheap Love

I have a problem in my heart. It is called cheap love.

Have I ever told you about "female porn?" Well, for a lot of women, addiction to pornography is not a commonly talked about problem. But let me tell you about a different kind of porn. One that is equally as disgusting and ridiculous and degrading as regular porn: Female Porn.

I am a recovering addict.

Okay, before you get all creeped out by me, let me tell you what female porn is and the difference between it and normal pornography. Female porn is the romance movies, novels, Disney movies that portray a "perfect" relationship-- you know, the "sweep-you-off-your-feet" kind of love. Don't get me wrong, I am guilty of still liking several of these movies (When Harry Met Sally and The Holiday just to name a few...). But I am 99.9% sure these kind of movies... this female porn... have jacked up my view of love and relationships. In my polluted, idealistic mind, love is pure and perfect. There aren't fights or disagreements when two people are madly in love. Which can tell you a lot about my past relationships.

Every preteen girls' dream is to "fall" into love with her soulmate and live happily ever after.

There is something wrong about the word "fall" when describing love. It is as if it happens on accident. I think we can fall into lust, but my definition of love involves an intentional action and decision.

To love is to give up selfish desires; to serve and lay down your life for another person without conditions; no matter who they are and what they have done love means to offer them forgiveness, grace, and mercy; to love is to show Jesus to another person because God is love.

I am not sure how anyone can "accidentally" be selfless. More often then not, we find ourselves "accidentally" being selfish.

Granted, I am guilty of saying that I have "fallen in love" or am "falling for someone hard." And I think there is some sort of emotion that makes us feel like we are falling-- that we have lost control-- and there isn't anything wrong with that.  But that still isn't intentional love.

Maybe what we see when we "fall" is a glimpse of God. Maybe that rush we get is because we glimpse something unseen and too good to be true, if even for a moment. Because God is love, any pure love we see on earth is a reflection of him and the love he offers us.

More often than not, women obsess over being in love or finding "the one."  I read this great analogy yesterday.


Imagine a beautiful, blossoming wildflower surrounded by sunlight. She has a perfect position to receive the light and water and nutrients she needs to thrive, but yet, she sees the light that hits the hillside and decides it is better for her. She reaches with all she can to be hit by those rays. Soon enough, instead of standing upright and tall, she is parallel to the ground, withering away because she has turned her back on the sunlight above her.


How often do we do this? We set our eyes and mind on something and seek it with all we know how to, but we ignore the perfect sunlight all around us. If the flower had only looked to the sun above her (cough*God*cough), she would have realized that he alone was enough. She was looking for love in all the wrong places. When we set our sights and our gaze on the One who has the answers, what could go wrong? Why would we want to seek a cheap version of love that is not part of God's blessing?

Biblical Greek has three words for love.

ἀγάπη:: agape is the love used in John 3:16, 1 Corinthians 13, etc.. etc... It is the unconditional, self-sacrificing love that God demonstrated to us in Jesus Christ. It is a perfect love. 


φιλία:: philia is a friendship love. it demonstrates a virtuous, loyal love between friends and family members. (think philadelphia-- with adelphia meaning brothers in Greek).


ἔρως:: eros is a passionate love having to do with sexual desires. It is the love used for relationships and marriages.  

Hebrew has three words for love.

אהבה
:: ahava is the unconditional love used to describe our love for God and his love for us.

רעיה
:: raya is a friendship-type love.

דוד
:: dode literally translates "beloved," and is the equivalent to Greek's eros.


I so wish that English had more words to use for "love" instead of just the one. In the same breath we can say we love God and love Cherry Coke Zero. (okay, maybe my love for those are equal.... KIDDING!).


I challenge you to be more intentional about loving with agape and ahava. being selfless and unconditional about your love. Don't settle for the cheap version of love that the world offers, but instead be set apart, only showing and seeking THE PUREST FORM OF LOVE-- aka Jesus.

There should be nothing cheap in love-- to be cheap means to be inexpensive, to cost little or no labor or trouble.

How in the world can that be equated to love!? Jesus paid it all to show us his love-- to show us the life he offers us-- one free of sin and pain and emptiness. Cling to his love-- his rare, expensive, endless love.

older, wiser, and bossier

my heart hurts tonight.

it probably shouldn't hurt, but it does. and i am scared. out of my mind.

i found out today that one of my sisters was holding hands with a boy in the halls today. so i asked another sister about this boy and apparently, "he just wants to get some."

this makes my heart hurt more than ever.

i wish with all that i am that i can just take all of my sisters and lock them up, shove jesus down their throats until they get it, and keep them away from every boy. no exceptions.

i never want my sisters to deal with the heartache and pain that comes with cheap love. i want them to seek jesus with their whole selves and never face temptation or heartbreak or pain. i wish i could just take on all of that burden for them so they would never have to face the rejection and depression that exists in the broken world we live in. i wish i could show them how beautiful, valuable, and loved they are by their creator and that they should never seek their worth in a boy. i wish i could say that and have them believe me immediately.

but i know that won't happen. and i don't know what to do about it. i am literally scared to tears. i think i had this impression that my sisters were still little, innocent girls who had no interest in boys. but i am delusional. for the first time in my life i am actually thinking about my sisters having to deal with any of the same stuff i dealt with in junior high/high school.

i would do anything to not let them do that. i would do anything to not have them be hurt and broken and feel worthless. i would go through it all again ten-fold if it meant they never have to feel lost or confused or lonely.

a friend once gave me this analogy:

it is as if i am beaten and bruised and standing outside this cave trying to throw myself across the entrance begging people not to go in.  begging people to turn around. it may seem enticing or interesting or the easy route, but it isn't. i stand there giving my experience saying "don't do it! it offers cheap answers and cheap love. please please turn around, go the seemingly harder way!" but people still go in. they want to figure it out for themselves.

later they realize how empty and broken the easy way leaves you.

i wish my sissies knew jesus. i mean, i know they know jesus. but i want them to really know jesus. to really understand his grace. to really seek his love. to really submit themselves to his light and easy yoke.

gosh. i can't imagine being a parent. i mean, it is scary enough just being an older sister.

reckless abandon

Yes. I realize it is 3:21 am on a Wednesday morning.
Yes. I realize I have a presentation at 8 am. A test at 9:25. Another test at 10:40.
Yes. I realize I just wrote a 5-page paper in an hour and a half.
Crazy, do you say? You are probably right.

While all of these things seem irresponsible and ridiculous, I am trying to live with reckless abandon.

Okay, I realize that is an irresponsible and ridiculous example of having reckless abandon, but I have to get my point across somehow! :)

*****

I want to live with reckless abandon to Christ. Reckless abandon to love. Reckless abandon in service and adventure and hope and peace. To live recklessly abandoned is to not worry about the consequences, but just live. (Granted, there are some boundaries to establish), but as far as my faith goes I want to be described as someone who is loving and serving God with reckless abandon.

What a beautiful picture of our role as Christians. Just as God loved unconditionally without consequences, we are called to do the same. To love without limits or boundaries. To serve the least of these. To lift up the broken. No matter what the consequences.

May we all live with a reckless abandonment to Christ. Never worrying about the consequences of our decision to follow him, but recklessly loving. recklessly serving. recklessly being the hands and feet of Jesus.

*****


I think I decided my next tattoo. The words "reckless abandon" somewhere. (maybe along my collarbone?! back of neck?!)

Part 2. Day 2.

I walked onto the damp "welcome" rug, glancing at my watch as I turned the handle on the front door. 6 minutes. I had to pee, but ignored it as I rushed onto the couch-- tossing all my stuff on the floor. I whipped out my computer, through open the screen. After mistyping my password several times, Firefox popped up and the familiar blue headed page loaded on my screen. Nine notifications. 3 minutes left.

Three friends pop up on my fbook chat. One minute left. I had to say goodbye (much to their dismay).

But the world is not ending. After the clock struck twelve, I shut my screen and pulled out my Bible/journal. I journaled my goals for the next few weeks facebookless.....

::I want to consistently draw nearer to him. To have an open conversation with him at every moment.

::I want to pray for everyone I say I will pray for. I want to lift up my friends and family in prayer, rallying for them and loving them in the best way I know how-- through Jesus.

::I want to continue to pursue real, deep fellowship with the people in my life. Not the false, social networking relationships.

::I want to reset my mind and priorities accordingly and reevaluate what I spend my time and money on.

::I want to seek my worth and value in Him alone and seek His words of affirmation rather then relying on my loved ones to provide that comfort for me. I want to rid myself of the feelings of inadequacy and just lift up my shortcomings and faults to Him.

::I want to rejoice in the moment-- not looking ahead or planning head, but just to praise Jesus for every minute I have with the people and opportunities around me. 

who am i?

So, I just took a spiritual/self-assessment deal and was slightly freaked out by how spot-on it was. It was given by monvee.com.


Jessica... in a nutshell...

-My learning preferences: I am a verbal communicator (through reading, writing, and speaking). Those who know me at all know that I love to process things outloud or on paper. I love to write and journal and hear myself talk. ;)

-I am on the Creation Pathway-- meaning I love to see God in nature. I mean, I agree with this, but I don't actually do this on a regular basis or pursue it. So maybe this is a little off.

-I am deceitful and dishonest. While I don't really want to brag about this part of who I am, it is completely true. I am able to mislead and manipulate really well, and I am just now realizing that about me and fighting against it. 

-The best me is to accomplish and perform well. "You are a natural born leader either functionally or morally because people like to follow you and work with you to accomplish great things. You have a winsome way with people that help you accomplish your goals and connect warmly with others. Your optimism and faith is contagious; it is what makes people want to follow you."

-The bad side of me: I am a people pleaser who manicures an image of strength. I need to be careful always thinking I am right and be careful not to close off and have superficial relationships. I need to let people know the real me, even if it tarnishes my image. (sooo true!)

-"In quiet moments you can feel worthless and worried that you are 'not making it.' You have a strong desire to feel valuable, to do meaningful things and be recognized for it." --- SO TRUE.

-"You are motivated by affirmation from those around you."---I am realizing how true this is in my life right now. My love language is definitely "words of affirmation." But God is reminding me that HE is my source of admiration. That it doesn't matter what other people think about me, but only what HE views me as. Such a beautiful reminder, but a really hard thing to overcome.

-Personal growth recommendation: Strive for authenticity. Be intentional about letting your circle of friends see you open and vulnerable. Take breaks-- which don't necessarily mean sitting still. These are two things that God has really laid on my heart over the last few months and it was really cool to see them affirmed on paper.

Overall, this survey was super insightful and led to many, "Crap. That is totally me." statements. And ultimately, EVERY SINGLE THING that this said about me God has been laying on my heart in the last few months. While not everything was negative, some of these characteristics and personality tendencies are pulling me away from him.


Go to monvee.com and take this assessment! I hope you learn things about you that you weren't aware of. While on the sign up portion, use code "D4500750" as the Church ID. :)

proverbs 31 woman

Sometimes I focus too heavily on what a "man" should look like. I am quick to criticize and judge the guys out there because I think the Bible heavily lays out what a man after God's heart should look like. (If you are interested in my thoughts on this, I would gladly write a ranting blog post about it). ;)

But what about a woman? Usually, I avoid the passages of Scripture that talk about how woman should act and behave especially in marriages because I tell myself they are irrelevant now. But is that really true?

I have a lovely friend who absolutely loves submission. She thinks it is the most beautiful thing in the world. She cannot wait to have a husband who leads her and loves her so much that she submits to him. A few months ago, I would gag every time she mentioned it. I used to view submission as a sign of weakness or powerlessness. But I am beginning to see the beauty in submission. I think after all my brokenness, God really just crumbled my need to be dominant and controlling. He has humbled me finally. As I learn to submit to God, I also learn to submit in relationships. And Wendie is right. It is a beautiful thing. 

1 Peter 3:1-6 says, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."

I love this passage for manyyy reasons. First of all, it lays out a plan for women who don't marry fellow believers to win there husbands over to Jesus. NOT through words or arguments, but through their loving acts of service and submission-- being an ideal example of who Christ is in their lives. I have a friend who struggles with this currently. While not dating a Christian man, she still realizes that she is THE example of Christ in his life... and just as Peter says, being aware of that is the way to win them over for Christ. 

I also love how Peter describes beauty. Like so many (cough*all*cough) girls out there, I struggle with what defines me as "beautiful." To the world, beauty is seen in gross, cheap ways. But 1 Peter lays out what is beautiful in God's eyes. A gentle and quiet spirit. While I'll be the first to admit that doesn't necessarily describe me... at all. It is encouraging nonetheless. This "gentle and quiet spirit" goes hand in hand with submission. Being submissive to a man's will or to God's will does not mean voicing my opinion and standing firm in "my way or the highway" kind of attitudes. It means being gentle in what you say, being sure to support and respect the man/God throughout. It means humbling yourself enough that you don't have to be in control all of the time. That you may not be right all of the time. That there is someone out there who is going to love you and care for you better than you can do for yourself.

What a beautiful picture of love. I think that is exactly what I needed to see in my own life. Not only am I learning to submit to God and realize that I don't actually have all of the answers, I am learning to submit in relationships also. I am beginning to see the beauty in submission. Admitting that the world does not revolve around me and that my ideas and plans are not perfect in anyway. I am relenting to a greater will and power-- to someone who knows better than me.

Another passage to read in the Bible that lays out what a woman should look like is Proverbs 31. I used to HATE this passage too because I thought it was all outdated. That we now live in a world where women can make more money than men. And women don't have to strive to be stay at home moms. But I think I read it all wrong.

Proverbs 31 says some powerful things on submission and the relationship between a husband and a wife. Yes, wives should submit to their husbands, but the husband also needs to respect and cherish their wives. They cannot abuse the fact that they have a submissive partner. Verse 11 says, "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." Being submissive is not a bad thing. It does not mean she is the weaker of the two, but her husband still values her immensely and trusts her with all that he has.

"Charm is deceptive; and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." I think that is the best quality of them all. It is like that quote that says, "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that the man has to draw near to him to find her."

So ladies out there... seek HIM first and submit to HIM, thennn you can work on being the wife/girlfriend/friend that you are called to be.

Disclaimer: (Please, do not see this as me looking for a husband or wanting to be married or be a wife-- I am FAR from that...but I do think that learning to be a woman after God's heart is an important quality to have all of the time, not just in a marriage-type-relationship).

My Marine Friend

Just about a month and a half ago, I was on a plane from Salt Lake City to Denver. I am one of those girls people dread sitting by because I always want to find out the person's life story. I just think it is so interesting to hear what people are doing with their lives.

Well this plane ride was no different. We were on a tiny little plane, two seats on each side of the aisle. I was sitting in the window seat, and was just watching the people walk onto the plane, waiting to see who my new friend was going to be. Sure enough, in walks this younger-looking, buzz cut guy who plops down right next to me. We exchanged a smile, but that was all. Our conversation didn't start until later when he decided to make fun of me for cussing under my breath at our terrible pilot at take-off. We talked for the entirety of the hour long flight and the half-hour taxing to our gate in Denver.

I learned his name is Zac Evans. A 20-year-old Marine from Ogden, Utah who is stationed in San Diego. I also learned that that next weekend, he was being deployed to Afghanistan, (or "Afghan" as he put it). He had just spent his last weekend with his friends and family in Utah and was heading back to California.

If you know me, you probably know I am pretty easy to get along with and make friends fairly quickly/easily. Well, needlesstosay, Zac and I were bffs by the time we got off the plane (even after I described how hippie, peace-loving I was!). So much so I awkwardly asked if I could hug him because I felt like I had known him wayyy longer than just two hours. We exchanged facebook information and phone numbers and kept in touch that whole week before his deployment.

Since he has been deployed, I have written him several letters, but to no return. He did get a chance to call his mom and leave a voice mail just telling her that he was okay, but he won't be able to call again in a long time.

This morning, I did my daily log-on to facebook and noticed several of my friends' status updates were the same:: "We are asking everyone to say a prayer for "Darkhorse" 3rd Battalion 5th Marines and their families. They are fighting it out in Afghanistan and have lost 9 marines in 4 days. Please re-post this. IT WOULD BE NICE TO SEE ON EVERY ONES WALL."

Zac is stationed in the 3/5 Marines Unit. 

Since the beginning of November, "Darkhorse" has lost 13 men. While I am fairly confident Zac is still okay.... this just rocked my world. 


What are the chances that the facebook status update that everyone is putting up this week is about my friend's battalion. Out of all of the people and units serving in foreign countries right now, Zac's is the one that shows up on my news feed.

Please keep him in your prayers. Pray for his family-- his mom, dad, and two sisters. And pray for his heart. I can't imagine the things that he has seen or will see in the months ahead. Pray that he will feel comforted and not alone despite his distance from those who he loves. Especially as the holiday season/his birthday rolls around.

If you are interested in writing to him, please do. Even though you don't know him, it would still mean the world for him to get a letter from anyone. 

Here is the address:
Lcpl. Zachary Evans
3/5 Marines K Co.
Unit 40390
 FPO/AP 96427-0390

Tears are dripping down my face as I sit here. And for once in the last few months, they are happy tears. The kind of tears that come if you are overwhelmed with emotion. Overwhelmed with love. Overwhelmed with goodness. Overwhelmed by God.

He is so good. I am just so amazed and astonished by him right now. My life is still in complete chaotic shambles, but I am seeing his hand on it all. I am seeing as he is in the process of healing my little heart. As he is showing me my worth and value in his eyes. As he is blowing all my expectations out of the water in so many ways. As he is working in the life of a friend as she struggles with her deepest fears and doubts. As he works in the life of a friend as she learns to be vulnerable and true to herself. As he works in the life of a friend as he smacks her in the face time and time again getting her to turn back to him. I have never experienced this before in my life. Never have all of my friends and I been so open and raw about what God is doing in our lives. I love it. Even if what we have to say is not good or encouraging, we are being open. We are seeking fellowship and accountability. We are not hiding our problems or fears or struggles, but coming together as sisters encouraging and loving one another. This is what it is supposed to look like. This is what friendship is. This is what community is. I would go as far as to say this is what church is supposed to look like. A body of believers coming together, doing life together, loving one another unconditionally.

And I can't get enough of it.

faith without action is dead

I am sitting here, drinking lukewarm, over-steeped peppermint tea (don't you hate when you are waiting for it to cool, but then forget!?), listening to some newly-downloaded music suggested by a really great guy, and doing some serious thinking.

I really love being a Theology major. I love seeing my faith challenged at deeper levels and solidified by further understanding. Recently, in all my Dr. Kim classes, we have been discussing the trouble of justification and faith/faithfulness within Scripture. I think it echos wonders what is going on in my life and the lives of those whom I love.

Sidetrack.

My new-most-favorite book of the Bible is James. James is like two pages long, but is chock-full of good stuff. Seriously. James uses the most concise words and ideas to get across what Christianity is/isn't. What it looks like to be a faithful Christian.

James is where we get great verses like 1:27:: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." (One of my favs and a key verse for Zimbabwe 2011).

James 1:19:: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

James 3:5:: "Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark."

And the key verse for this blog post: James 2:17-18:: "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. But someone will say, ‘You have faith; I have deeds.’ Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.”

So back to justification. Many theologians think that James contradicts Paul's view of justification by faith alone (that our faith is not justified by our actions). I can see how on the surface this seems contracting. James pushes that faith without action is dead. While Paul argues that once someone believes in Christ as Savior, he is saved forever; James says that there is no point to faith if our actions don't convey what we say we believe.

I agree with both. I think they go hand-in-hand. Yes, Paul is right. Once we believe and proclaim Christ as Lord, we are saved. However, the Spirit is also alive and working in the lives of the believing. James is arguing that those who's lives aren't changed by their faith in Jesus Christ don't really have that faith. BECAUSE our faith in Christ should be marked by significant life-change. We are called to lay down our lives and take up our cross... following him at every step of the way. If we say with our mouths that we believe Jesus Christ died for our sins and rose again, but it doesn't change the way we live, then it is crap. Proclaiming Christ as Savior and King is a radical, life-changing step. It takes action and not laziness to live the way Christ calls us to (to imitate him). Many translations translate the Greek word "pistis" as "faith," however, Dr. Kim argues that it should be translated "faithfulness." While to some, the difference here is insignificant, it makes wayy more sense as "faithfulness" to see how James and Paul were really on the same page.

Think about a marriage. While you may have faith that your hubby or wife won't cheat on you or leave you, it really takes you being faithful to your spouse for anything to come out of that faith. Just to believe that is one thing, but to take action and remain faithful to the one you love is a whole different story.

James calls for the same thing. While we may believe in Christ, we need to take action and remain faithful to him-- allowing the Spirit to be fruitful in our lives (Galatians 5). To show this faith is to experience transformational life-change. To be willing to be faithful to God and the life he calls us to.


So what does this mean?


It means that yes:: we must believe that Christ is Lord. That he is fully God and fully man. That he came to earth to live a sinless life of love, take on the sin of the world and die a painful, horrible, death apart from God. And that he left all of that nasty, gross sin in the grave as he rose again and ascended into heaven, offering us a life of completion.

But it also means that that isn't all. After we truly believe this with our whole hearts God sends the Spirit within us to convict us and dwell among us. The fruit of the Spirit in our lives is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

Believing in Christ means life-change. It means we are willing to allow God to come in us and wreck us. To mess us up, only to fix us and make us whole again in him alone. And the fruit of that will be seen in our actions. We will be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.

This is how we will change the world. To shine the light of the ONE who IS light constantly. Always showing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control to the darkness in the world will turn the darkness into light.

We can't just keep saying we believe. We must start LIVING AS IF WE BELIEVE. We must sanctify ourselves-- make ourselves holy. We must draw closer to him. Laying down our lives in holy, worship and submission to the King of kings. We must become last. We must become humble.

It is then we will transform the world around us. It is only then that God can use us for his greater purpose.

Read the book of James. It is tucked away after Hebrews and before all the tiny books of Peter and John. :)


On a sidenote: I have a wonderful guy in my life. He is like a breath of fresh air. I wish I had words to describe, but I don't. And for once....... I love not having the words.

facebook fast number two

If you are a facebook creeper, or are a long time follower of my blog (okay, that was sarcastic), then you will probably remember that I gave up facebook for lent. For forty days I avoided my creeping addiction and abstained from the false, superficial relationships that facebook offers. Instead, I invested my time in real relationships with people whom I love.

I really loved the break I got from the fbook. I mean, I do realize that I could just stop getting on for 583 minutes everyday, but it is a little harder than that for me. It truly is an addiction. A definite problem. So, a few months ago I looked up when Advent began, so I could give up fbook for another forty days. Turns out, Advent begins on November 14-- exactly forty days before Christmas, the day we symbolically celebrate Jesus' birth.

So, on November 14 at midnight, I will be abstaining from facebook. I will avoid the blue and white pages and even avoid asking my fellow fbook addict best friends about what is happening there. Therefore, for all of you who contact me solely on facebook (because you know that is one of the best ways), I will make it a point to answer phone calls/text messages/ emails. :) And, of course, I will be blogging a lot.

AND I will be reading the entire Bible. In 40 days. Yes. It is going to be a lot of reading. But I am really excited to just surround myself in the Word. :) And do a lot of praying. And journaling. Maybe I'll buy myself one of those Advent Calendars that gives you a piece of chocolate for everyday before Christmas. Yes. That does sound like a delicious idea. :)


Here is the Bible reading plan I am using in case anyone is interested in joining. :) (remember this one was for 2009, so the dates have obviously changed).


http://reconcenter.com/index.php/2009/11/16/40-days-read-the-bible/

where you go I'll go.

We sang this song in chapel today... oh how my little heart needed this encouragement:

Where You go I go
What You say I say
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

Where You go I go
What You say I say
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

Cause Jesus only did what He saw You do
And He would only say what He heard You speak
And He would only move when He felt You lead
Following Your heart following Your spirit

So How could I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without You
For You alone are worthy and You are always good

Where You go I go
What You say I say God
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

Where You go I go
What You say I say God
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

So How could I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without You
For You alone are worthy and You are always good
You are always good

La, la, la, la
Oh, the beauty of Your name will be seen upon my face, Oh, God
La la la la
Oh, the glory of Your name will be seen upon our face, Oh, God

Though the world sees and soon forgets
We will not forget who You are and what You've done for us
And what You've done for us
And Though the world sees and soon forgets
We will not forget what You've done for us

La la la la
La la la

Where You go I go
What You say I say God
And what You pray I pray
And what You pray I pray

I will follow You yeah,
In this desert life, I will follow You
Whatever comes my way
Through every situation, I will follow You
To the unknown, to the unsaved
Give me a heart of no compromise

I have been struggling in the last few days with understanding and feeling God's nudgings in my life. I was reading through John 10 earlier this week. In this passage, Jesus makes it plain and simple what our calling is to do: Follow him. Follow him... the Good Shepherd. The one who promises everlasting life. Don't get tricked by the false, bad shepherds, but keep your eyes glued to THE Good Shepherd.

The tricky thing is that sometimes my ideas and ways don't align with God's. I feel like God is giving me opportunities to hold my friends accountable and speak into their lives, but when I try to act on it, things fall apart. I need to be willing to trust in the Big Man to do the leading. Like this song says,

"Cause Jesus only did what He saw You do
And He would only say what He heard You speak
And He would only move when He felt You lead
Following Your heart following Your spirit."

I need to follow him. Margaret (my awesome, great, wonderful boss), puts it wonderfully in one of her books that we need to glue our little foreheads into God's shoulder blades-- walking so close behind him that we are literally breathing in his scent, feeling his heartbeat, and walking in step with him. So often I find myself saying, "God, I think this is a better direction..." and peeling my eyes off of him, wandering from the One who promises greener pastures. It is then I find myself stumbling in the darkness. Running into walls, tripping over obstacles, getting myself into webs--so tangled up, it takes him searching, longing for me... his lost sheep... to come to my rescue.

So instead of wandering off in the darkness without his guidance and leading... I need to wait for him to move. I need to wait to have the tough conversations until I feel the Spirit's guidance. I need to wait to confront people until I am sure it was his idea first. I need to prayerfully consider my decisions and actions as a reflection of his character.  "Where you go, I'll go..."

I wrote this in my journal today: "We continually sin and eff up and then try and run back into your arms. Day after day we do this. Prayer after prayer. How annoying for you. I mean, your love surpasses my own, but hearing me call for a new life and repentance day in and out then return to turning my back to you." It seems rather ridiculous. I am seeing this in the lives of some people I care for. They are set on correcting their wrongs, continue in sin, then return to repentance saying the same thing again. From my human point of view, this is obnoxious and hypocritical. No wonder non-Christians find Christianity so unbelievable.

Today, God was reminding me how much he sees this same cycle. The cycle of sin, repentance, forgiveness, sin, etc... etc... etc...  Yet he continues to forgive, save, redeem, restore, forgive, save, redeem, restore, forgive, save, redeem, restore... etc... While my human heart can only take so much, his is infinite. Yet, we continue to hurt and break our Father's heart-- the one who really does love us unconditionally. Why would we purposefully fall further from him? If we really understand the life that he offers us, why would we run first chance we get? We are so used to cheap grace and cheap love. As humans, we have this idea that the best love we can receive is human love. False. God's love is so much greater. His grace is so much more pure.

Follow him. Follow the one who offers the unending love and grace. The one who wants to guide you with his easy yoke and light burden. The one who forgives, but also convicts. Who loves us enough to catch us in our sin so that we don't fall further from him. Chase after him. Take up your cross and follow him.

A Lot of Things You Probably Did Not Know (or Want to Know) About Jessica

I love the feeling of flossing. I just love it!

My favorite part of a bagel is the bottom half. Especially if it has corn meal on it. :)

I am obsessed with multiples of 5. If one of those is not an option, then odd numbers, please. Anything but even (except ones that end in "0").

I take most of my showers in the dark. It is my getaway. I shower when I am sad, mad, wanting to fall asleep, wanting to wake up, need to be relaxed, procrastinating, thinking, crying, ...basically anything. Which is why I usually take more than one shower in a day. It is just my place.

I never answer my phone. Pretty much ever. I screen my calls. Then, sometimes, I listen to the voice mail. Rarely do I call back. It is not because I don't like you. I just HATE talking on the phone. I have gotten better at it (I used to actually fear speaking on the phone and would avoid it at all costs!). Texts work (usually). Emails work (pretty well).

I love getting massages. Except only if they are deep tissue-- none of that sissy stuff.

I am constantly editing. Fixing grammar, finding misspellings, etc... (Of course, since I wrote that, I am going to spell something wrong in this post so someone can correct me). :) My biggest pet peeve that people say is "why" instead of "while." Example: I went to the store why my husband was watching the kids. Now, people don't usually write this or type this, but, my gosh, people say it all the time. Yuck!

I am becoming more and more aware of the cliches that I use and that the people around me use. Starting to bug me.

I am learning more and more that all I want to do with my life is love people. None of this real life 9-5 crap. I just want to love Jesus and love people. I want to read everything I can get my hands on about Jesus. I want to serve people until I can't move any longer.

I love the nitty-gritty (there I go with the cliches again...) stuff in the Bible. I love learning the original greek/hebrew/latin words and how they translate. I love reading commentaries and diving into the context of it all. I just love the Bible.

When I am stressed I just cry. A lot.

I love hardcore movies. My top favorites are (in order): 300, Gladiator, Blood Diamond, Inception,  Troy, LOTR, Star Wars, Avatar, Transformers, Star Trek, X-Men.

I have a strange and terrible addiction to cherry coke zero. Addicted.

If you want to put me to sleep or make me the happiest girl in the world, play with my hair. One of the best feelings everrr.

Broken and Beautiful

Lately, I have had two people ask me tough questions about Christianity. The truth is... I don't have all the answers. But I am okay admitting that. One of the cool things that I love about God is the fact that I will NEVER fully understand his mind or his will or his way. Ever. It is impossible for me to fathom his goodness, his love, his reasoning. His wisdom is too lofty for me to obtain. (Psalm 139:6).

If you know me, you know that I love to know the answers. I love to have lots of random tidbits of information or random facts floating around in my head. I loveee trivia and usually know at least a little about everything.

But, for some reason... I am okay and content not understanding God fully. It is almost comforting to not have to know all the answers because Someone else has it all figured out. While I will never really understand why bad things happen to good people or why there is sin in the world or be able to comprehend the trinity... I am content. I trust the One, true God who IS wisdom. Who IS goodness. Who IS love. He has a plan. He has a purpose. And I am lucky enough to be used by him.

That is faith. Hebrews 11:1:: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." While I can never fully understand or comprehend his wisdom or plan, I have faith that He is God. He is the Creator.

With everything that is going on in my life over the last eight months I have learned the importance and significance of faith. When my whole world seems to be shattering down around me, I am beginning to see the glory of God shine from beneath. Picture a beautiful, unlived in room. It has a glass ceiling overhead and beautiful furniture covering the room. However, if you look under the rug or in between the couch cushions, there is dirt and dust and grime everywhere. At first glance, you only see the beauty, but on closer investigation the room is actually dirty and disgusting. This is the picture of my life from eight or so months ago. From first glance, I had it all together. I knew all the right answers, was heading the right direction, had the perfect relationship and friendships and relationship with Jesus. On closer look, you saw all the dirt I had shoved under the rug. All the crap shoved into the closets. All the cracks in my little glass ceiling.

And eight months have made it all crash down. Those cracks turned into large gaping holes. My closet doors were busted open and spewed my crap everywhere for the world to see. I am no longer trying to hide the dirt and grime in my life. I am being vulnerable and broken.

But God is still good.

If you look at my life as this room now, I am starting to piece it together. I am starting to put pictures back up on the wall. I am starting to sweep away the pain and brokenness and actually get rid of it. Not just bandage it together with duct tape or crazy glue, but really, actually sort through it and realize why I am hurting and why I am bothered by some things. I am seeing God's glory shine through all my broken pieces. His light reflecting off of the shattered glass. The shadow of his beauty and goodness rest over me. Even though I have been broken and rubbed raw, God is still showing himself as good. I am beginning to see his bigger purpose. While at the time, I didn't understand the reason for hurting and for my life crashing down... I am just beginning to witness his glory. That he is using my life for his greater purpose.

And God is still healing me. He is holding my hand as I sort through the broken pieces in my life. He is helping me hang new pictures and create a new ceiling. This room is beginning to look more lived in. More real. Open about brokenness. Vulnerable. Ready and willing to lead out of brokenness.

And God is still blessing me. He is giving me real and beautiful relationships. He is using his divine, infinite knowledge and giving me the opportunity for crucial conversations, for crucial relationships, and for happiness. Even though I had one helllll of a 2010, he is reminding me... "Jessica, I have something so good and so great and so unfathomable planned for you. Quit holding on to the things of the past. Cling to me. Hold on to me. I will lead you in the way of the everlasting. I don't promise it will be painless, but I do promise that I will be with you. I will guide you. Just follow me. You are worthy and beautiful and valuable to me, therefore I will bless you with friends and relationships so they show you your worth, beauty, and value."

Have I told you how good of a God I have? Because he is pretty flippin good. :)

i heart starbies.

I really heart starbies. If you don't know what "starbies" is, it is because it is a pet-name I just made up for my favorite "waste-lots-o-time" hotspot. AKA Starbucks. I come here almost everyday. At least every weekday. Sometimes I don't even get anything to drink. But I love people watching here. I love wondering what people are heading to do, what they are coming from, what their lives are like.

In case you want to join my creepiness, I am always at the 1st and Wads Starbies. I was talking to a friend about this last night--The cool thing about this Starbucks is the fact that almost everytime I come, there is a conversation going on about Jesus. (Yes, I eavesdrop also... get over it). ;)

I am not sure what draws people to Starbucks to talk about Jesus... but it always happens. And I am always so encouraged and rejoiced to know that my sisters and brothers are literally everywhere. They are working and moving even when the world seems so dark and yucky. They are still shining a light in the blackness. They are still engaging in tough conversations... answering the tough questions. I mean, as everyone knows... "Let's get Starbucks!" is an open invitation to a very interesting and deep theological/philosophical conversation.

Right now, I am addicted to refresh tea. Also to a no-water chai. And to an iced upside-down caramel (pronounced "car-mel") macchiato. So, if you ever want to get coffee. Talk about Jesus. And people watch. Join me at Starbies. I would love the company.

Supernanny

Today marks the end of a 2-week stint in housesitting/nannying. I have laughed, cried, yelled, cooked, cleaned (yes-- I did my first load of laundry while here!!). It has been anything but easy.... yet at the same time I am truly going to miss these kids. Playing single "mom" for two weeks was a little tricky (as all of you know, I am probably not THE most responsible/punctual person you have ever met). And these two weeks have completely pushed me out of my comfort zone.

It has stretched me and taught me so much about myself and my struggles. I have had to be a rock to these kids-- something semi-stable for them to rely on to feed/cloth/protect them for two weeks. Yet these have been the two most broken and emotionally trying weeks I have ever experienced. I have been away from everything of any comfort to me-- sisters, aida, friends... and been forced to seek God's face.


And I have loved every minute of it.

So, if you don't particularly like/want kids and need a good time to be stretched and broken and cry. Then definitely accept a nanny position. :)

Rainbows and Butterflies

On my drive to school (coughstarbuckscough), there was the most beautiful and bold double rainbow. The thing I love about rainbows is the story of their origin in the Bible.

During the story of Noah, God floods the earth (typical Sunday School story). He finds no goodness in the people, only wickedness. EXCEPT in Noah. God looks down from heaven and says HE is a man after my heart. He is good and noble and righteous. I will save him and use him for a greater purpose (ultimately the lineage of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, David, and JESUS).

After he floods the earth, he offers a covenant with Noah. He promises he will never flood the earth ever again. He offers a symbol of his unending love toward his people. Genesis 9:13 says "I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth." The Hebrew word for "to set" in this literally means "to hang up." The word for "bow" in "rainbow" refers to an archers bow. God is saying he is putting away his weapon, hanging up his bow in the sky to remind the world that he will never flood it again.

I loveee this word picture. I love that a rainbow literally means an act of abstaining from violence. Even when it is storming and the winds are violently raging against the earth, God says, "Don't worry! I won't bring violence and pain, just keep your eyes on my covenant--on my love."

Even when my life seems the most out of control and stormy, when the rain is pouring down. When everything I know and hold on to tightly is being washed away, God reminds me that it is for his good and his glory that he brings the storm. It has a purpose, but not one to harm or destroy. While the storm may seem painful and scary and the end of all I know, God boldly proclaims his love for me: by hanging his bow of a million colors in the sky.


And today, God showed me a double rainbow. Doubly reminding me of his comforting love and his loving discipline. :) Just as I was stressing out about my Greek test and my PoliSci test, God said: "Hey Jess, keep your eyes on me. Keep your eyes on my love. Keep your head up. I have your best in mind. I am leading the way. Stay glued to the cross. Stay clung to me. Only I can get you through this storm. I love you."


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PS: I titled this "Rainbows and Butterflies" because of a recent blog post where I said that Christianity isn't just rainbows and butterflies... but in a way, some days it is. :) God creates the most beautiful rainbows and butterflies for our pleasure.

Zephaniah: A Prophet After My Own Heart

My absolute favorite verse is Zephaniah 3:17.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Not only is this verse totally beautiful and aesthetically excellent out of context.... it is even MORE beautiful in context.

Basically, the book of Zephaniah talks about how God is destroying Jerusalem. The first 2.5 chapters describe the destruction that will sweep down on God's people and God's chosen city.

BUT

Starting at 3:14, the whole book turns around. It reveals the redemption and restoration that God offers to Jerusalem. While they will go through pain and destruction... God offers to be with them always. To be a mighty warrior fighting for his people (--which goes back to God fighting AGAINST us and FOR us). To delight in his people. To love them until they are silent. To sing over them.

I LOVE the word picture created by "quiet you with his love." Have you ever been around someone you feel completely, wholeheartedly comfortable with? Someone who you don't even need to speak with because they just understand already? Or been so upset, but with this person, words wouldn't even be necessary. They literally quiet you with their love.

God promises that.

What a beautiful picture of his overwhelming love for us. So much we will sit in awesome quiet.

God may be breaking me now and destroying all that I know, but he promises to be with me through it all. To carry me through my pain and my confusion. To quiet my tears and weeping with his unfailing love.

Read Zephaniah today. See whatchya think. :)

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Adding on to this::
I went and got coffee with my pastor last week. He talked with me about something that he recently heard at a conference.

Christianity can be defined as a 4-part timeline.

Creation--->Fall-->Redemption--->Restoration

However, some Christians soley focus on the Fall--->Redemption portion. They leave out that we were created in God's image. They express that we are sinful and God offers us grace... but don't move on from there. There is no restoration offered.

Some Christians just focus on Creation--->Restoration. They ignore the fact that we are sinful beings, and rather our goal as Christians is to restore the world to what it was at Creation.

But rather, Christianity needs to encompass all four of these things.


Creation--->Fall---> Redemption--->Restoration

We are created in the image of God. He wanted perfection for us, but offered us the freedom to choose for ourselves. We chose sin. However, that isn't the end of the story. God sent his son so that we may be cleansed of that sin and that we may see what it looks like to live a sinless life. God offers the promise of a new life-- completely, whole restoration in heaven. A place without sin, without pain, without suffering. 

THAT is Christianity. 

DDCP (Dove Dark Chocolate Promise)

Tonight, my delicious Dove Dark Chocolate Promise said: "Shape the future by dealing with the present."

What an echo of what God has been teaching me lately! Granted, Jesus puts it in much more eloquent words...

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3-4).

I usually skip over these verses. Like many other people, I don't really like the parts in the Bible that aren't feel-goody. They make me cringe and feel uncomfortable (and what is Christianity besides rainbows and butterflies!?--kidding of course). Well, recently, a friend brought this passage to me in a whole different light. Yes, I understand that this is saying don't judge, because who the hell are you to say anything about anyone else. I get it. But the way she put it was that who are we to even give advice until we have our own crap figured out.

I will admit it. I have a giant plank in my eye. It blocks my good vision. It makes me see the world spotted. I am working tirelessly to remove this plank. It takes a lot of humbling and submission to the One who should be the center of my vision. It is then that I am able to see the world with horse-like vision-- keeping my eye on the goal--aka Jesus. When my eyes are focused on him THEN I can work on healing and fixing this world, work on removing the (large amount of) dust from the world's vision.

God is reminding me that in order for me to love the most and reach the world to my best potential HE MUST BE THE CENTER of my life. HE must be my goal. If I try and "fix" the world with this plank in my eye, then the world will be patched with band-aids. Band-aids Jessica-made and less-than-perfect. In fact, put in my own hands, the world would be more broken. More hurting.

Only THE Healer and Redeemer can fully restore and heal the world. I need to take this damn plank out of my eye so that I can be a tool used by him to do so. In order for me to fix the future... I have to deal with the present.

I would make a great assistant. If that is all I did.
I would make a great cheerleading coach. If that is all I did.
I would make a great nanny. If that is all I did.
I could be a fantastic student. If that is all I did.
I would make a great small group leader. If that is all I did.
I would be the best friend. If that is all I did.
I would be a decent girlfriend. If that is all I did.
I would make a great cook. If that is all I did.
I would be a great church-goer. If that is all I did.

And, yet, I am mediocre at best because I try and juggle all of this.

Then again, I would make a great bodybuilder, if that is all I did.
I would be a fantastic writer, if that is all I did.
I would make a great president, if that is all I did.

But I don't. I choose not to JUST do one of these things. I do them all. (Okay, not the bodybuilding, writing, president thing).

I heard something that really resounded with me the other day. God will not give us more than we can bare, but sometimes WE give ourselves more than we can bare. 

I think that is me.

i've got friends

As I step outside my comfort zone and allow others to see my vulnerability, I have realized how not as scary as I thought would be it is.

I have wonderful friends.

I have friends that pray for my brokenness. Who are seeing those prayers answered as I weep and seek His face.

I have friends who force me to vent and love that I am working toward doing that more often.

I have friends who need to see me broken and bare. Who look to me in my strength, but also in my weakness.

I have friends who are coming alongside me showing how to love. As a friend loves a friend. As a brother loves a sister.

I have friends who echo my pain. Who needed to read my words to fully understand their feelings and emotions.

I have friends who are proud of me. Who are applauding me as I am wearily running the race. They run alongside me.

And most importantly, I have friends who are praying for me. Who are continuing to show me the love and forgiveness and peace that I am longing for. Who are lifting me up when I am wounded. Who are crying with me and holding me.

One of my favorite things about Grey's Anatomy is the relationship between Mer and Cristina. I love their friendship. It is witty and realistic. They get angry, excited, drunk, happy, and pissed together. Life isn't always sunshine and butterflies, (even on television... shocking, I know), but these two women always have each other. They read each other perfectly. The finish-each-others'-sentences kind of relationship. I have many of these friendships. And I am so extremely blessed.

I have the best friends in my life that I could ever ask for or ever even imagine possible. Even when I am feeling the most lonely, I know that isn't true. I have my people who love me, surround me, pray for me, and knock me upside the head when I am being ridiculous (which happens quite often).


So, to my friends, who have shown me such compassion and love... I adore you. Each and every one of you. I cherish you and your hearts. Thank you for your grace.

When It Rains... It Pours...

2010 has been a year of rain. Torrential downpour, if you will.

My heart is so broken. I am so broken. I guess when I asked God to break me, I assumed it would affect only me. I often pray the scary prayer to be "broken" by God. I know I needed to be broken, but I guess I wasn't ready for the actual breaking.

I journaled a couple of weeks ago about my heart. I described it as locked up in a crystal-glass container. It is etched glass... so you can't really see into it, just vaguely, but light can still pour out. If you didn't already know, I am really good at bottling up my emotions. For me, it is wayyy easier to deal with other people's problems than my own. In fact, I would much rather help others than ever worry about myself always. But this just adds to my thick, glass walls.

I have built these etched-glass walls around my heart. They are very, very fragile...but I have been careful to make sure nothing can disturb them. And as I lay here, having to wipe my eyes every few seconds so I can actually see through my tears, I can say that God has shattered these walls. He has broken down my every security. He has laid me raw and bare in front of him. And it is the scariest thing in my life.

The past seven months have been the most trying, testing, heart-wrenching, devastating, life-changing, and broken months I have ever experienced.

It all started in Uganda. It must have been a week into our time in Uganda. I hadn't cried yet. I was consistently on the verge of tears, but none spilled over.

Until one night.

Without looking in my journal, I don't think it was one specific thing that happened that caused my break down... but everything. Everything that I had witnessed. Everything I felt. All the brokenness I saw. I lost it. I ran outside at dusk... trying to catch my breath. I hid myself behind a fence and argued with God. I couldn't fathom why he let people suffer the way the Ugandans I had met were suffering.

And then, I wept.

As soon as the tears flowed from my eyes, it started pouring. Literally pouring. It was one of the hardest, most awesome rainstorms I have ever experienced. God was weeping with me. God and I cried for a long time.

That was the first hammer hit to my glass-covered heart.

Then Summer rolled around. 7.16.2010 and 7.30.2010 were two more blows to my fragile glass walls. I think about Dillon and Spencer every single day.

More recently, I lost a best friend. While he is still there physically, our relationship is over. The one person I have relied on for absolutely everything over the last three years is gone. It feels like the rug has been ripped out from underneath me. Everytime I get excited about something, he is still the first person I want to tell. Everytime I get sad or need a hug, he is who I want it from. And even though I am sure this was the right decision, this was a thousand needles digging themselves into the walls around my heart. More keep coming as I realize how huge a part of my life he was.

Even more recent was the death of two parents. One a father. One a mother. Two unrelated families. What a rude, cruel awakening. I don't have a good relationship with my dad. I never have. We butt heads about every situation. Overall, he just isn't the best father to me. Pat's death was just a shot-to-the heart-kind-of-reminder of how my own father has failed me. Just a sad awakening that there are dads out there who show love to their kids, but mine isn't one of them. Elana's death was just a last hit. Reminding me that I am in control of nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can do to stop people from hurting. Nothing I can do to heal the brokenness of this lost world. 

The final blow to my already cracking heart. It is finished. The walls are shattered. I am laying here. Naked. Vulnerable. With God alone as my shield. I am wounded on the battlefield, people coming in to attack me on all sides and I have nothing left to fight with. No walls to protect myself. Instead, I am left with a choice. Lay helpless. Or cling to Him.

There is a song by MercyMe that says:

"And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain..."

And another by Casting Crowns that says:

"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
'I'm with you'
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away."



I am trying to praise God in this storm.

But all I want to sing is... "Uncle. Mercy. Please, please make it stop raining..."

Jessica Wrestles with God at Jakkob

So, it has been very obvious to me that God really wants me to surrender to him. To let go of my pride and just let him take over and control my life. But that is a hard thing to do. For those of you who know... I am a rather stubborn person. I have a plan in my mind of how my life should end up-- these high expectations that rarely turn out. I find it extremely difficult to submit to God (or anyone, for that matter).

Ironically, God's echoing "surrender" in my life constantly. Just this morning (yes, I know, it was a late night), I finished an exegetical paper on Genesis 32:22-32. While I have read this dozens of times, I have never taken the time to dig under the surface and truly understand the meaning. In this passage, Jacob wrestles with God. Jacob-- the man who deceived his father and brother out of God's blessing. Jacob-- the man who was deceived by Laban into marrying both Rachel and Leah. His own name has defined his character thus far: "liar, deceiver." Jacob's life is marked by manipulation and deception. Rather than trusting God to be his provider and blesser, Jacob ALWAYS takes things into his own hands.

The beginning of Genesis 32 marks the end of Jacob's stay with Laban (another deceptive man), as God calls Jacob back into the land of his forefathers-- back into the land of Edom, to his brother. The same brother who's birthright was stolen from him. Jacob fears for his life. He is sure his brother is going to kill him. Out of desperation, Jacob prays to God (verses 9-12), but he still does not trust God to answer his prayers. Instead, he waits on the side of the river of Jakkob (I can imagine Jacob was debating whether to run and hide or not). It is there God comes and wrestles with Jacob. This is a physical manifestation of the spiritual warfare going on between Jacob and God. Jacob wants to be in control. He wants to hold onto his pride AND get a blessing from God. God, however, has other plans.

God wrestles with Jacob and physically injures Jacob to remind him that God is in control. Jacob is only human. His humanity is limiting, but it takes God rupturing his hip to give Jacob a physical reminder of God's power. Only when Jacob is physically and spiritually beaten by God does God bless him. At this point, Jacob is no longer relying on his own resources, but is humbled to the point of submission. God wins. God takes away Jacob's deceptive and manipulative nature and replaces it with one of value. He renames Jacob to "Israel," marking a renewal of God's covenant with Israel.

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Well, I may not be a 97 year old man with 2 wives, 2 mistresses, and 12 kids, but I am really wrestling with God. I am constantly trying to get a blessing out of him, even though I know what needs to be done. And God is just like doing one of those "holding-my-head-while-I-stand-their-swinging" kind of manuveurs, waiting for me to tire out. Because he knows that when I am at my weakest, then I will truly surrender to him and be truly broken. It is then he will bless me. God is just tiring me out. Which is obnoxious because I am too stubborn to let myself weary. But I know that God won't ever give up. Not ever. Which is both comforting and frustrating at the same time.

Genesis 32 shows a unique aspect of God's character. He always fights against us and for us.  He fights against our evil, faithless human nature, but is fighting for us constantly with love, mercy, and grace.

I need to realize that God is not just fighting against me. He is also fighting for me-- day in and day out. I need to take on his yoke, and let him guide me because his burden is light. And he knows the way. My eyes need to be glued to him, not on the things of this world.

I struggle because life is much easier when I have the perfect life on paper:

Perfect World Checklist:
boyfriend (check), school (check), job (check), etc... 

but it doesn't always work out like that in reality. and no matter how hard I try to make my life look like that, God has other plans. because God is THE REALITY.... nothing like the poluted world says it should be.

God will fight against me until he breaks me and empties me..... but luckily that is not the end of the story. He won't leave me broken and empty. But he will mold me and restore me. He will fill me with the truth of his love and grace.

Thank God that I am loved intimately by a God who will fight against me.... but who also fights for me. A God who knows my potential, who wants the best for me, and who will fight against my selfishness. And when I feel the most broken, he will fill me. For when I am weak, then HE is strong. May I be reminded of this... reminded to humble myself before the cross. To lay down my crown and join in the chorus with the kings. For his yoke is easy and his burden is light. HE has overcome this world, so why do I rely on myself to swim against the current?


((This was adapted and expanded off of a conversation with the best friend anyone could ask for, Jacqueline)).