Broken and Beautiful

Lately, I have had two people ask me tough questions about Christianity. The truth is... I don't have all the answers. But I am okay admitting that. One of the cool things that I love about God is the fact that I will NEVER fully understand his mind or his will or his way. Ever. It is impossible for me to fathom his goodness, his love, his reasoning. His wisdom is too lofty for me to obtain. (Psalm 139:6).

If you know me, you know that I love to know the answers. I love to have lots of random tidbits of information or random facts floating around in my head. I loveee trivia and usually know at least a little about everything.

But, for some reason... I am okay and content not understanding God fully. It is almost comforting to not have to know all the answers because Someone else has it all figured out. While I will never really understand why bad things happen to good people or why there is sin in the world or be able to comprehend the trinity... I am content. I trust the One, true God who IS wisdom. Who IS goodness. Who IS love. He has a plan. He has a purpose. And I am lucky enough to be used by him.

That is faith. Hebrews 11:1:: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." While I can never fully understand or comprehend his wisdom or plan, I have faith that He is God. He is the Creator.

With everything that is going on in my life over the last eight months I have learned the importance and significance of faith. When my whole world seems to be shattering down around me, I am beginning to see the glory of God shine from beneath. Picture a beautiful, unlived in room. It has a glass ceiling overhead and beautiful furniture covering the room. However, if you look under the rug or in between the couch cushions, there is dirt and dust and grime everywhere. At first glance, you only see the beauty, but on closer investigation the room is actually dirty and disgusting. This is the picture of my life from eight or so months ago. From first glance, I had it all together. I knew all the right answers, was heading the right direction, had the perfect relationship and friendships and relationship with Jesus. On closer look, you saw all the dirt I had shoved under the rug. All the crap shoved into the closets. All the cracks in my little glass ceiling.

And eight months have made it all crash down. Those cracks turned into large gaping holes. My closet doors were busted open and spewed my crap everywhere for the world to see. I am no longer trying to hide the dirt and grime in my life. I am being vulnerable and broken.

But God is still good.

If you look at my life as this room now, I am starting to piece it together. I am starting to put pictures back up on the wall. I am starting to sweep away the pain and brokenness and actually get rid of it. Not just bandage it together with duct tape or crazy glue, but really, actually sort through it and realize why I am hurting and why I am bothered by some things. I am seeing God's glory shine through all my broken pieces. His light reflecting off of the shattered glass. The shadow of his beauty and goodness rest over me. Even though I have been broken and rubbed raw, God is still showing himself as good. I am beginning to see his bigger purpose. While at the time, I didn't understand the reason for hurting and for my life crashing down... I am just beginning to witness his glory. That he is using my life for his greater purpose.

And God is still healing me. He is holding my hand as I sort through the broken pieces in my life. He is helping me hang new pictures and create a new ceiling. This room is beginning to look more lived in. More real. Open about brokenness. Vulnerable. Ready and willing to lead out of brokenness.

And God is still blessing me. He is giving me real and beautiful relationships. He is using his divine, infinite knowledge and giving me the opportunity for crucial conversations, for crucial relationships, and for happiness. Even though I had one helllll of a 2010, he is reminding me... "Jessica, I have something so good and so great and so unfathomable planned for you. Quit holding on to the things of the past. Cling to me. Hold on to me. I will lead you in the way of the everlasting. I don't promise it will be painless, but I do promise that I will be with you. I will guide you. Just follow me. You are worthy and beautiful and valuable to me, therefore I will bless you with friends and relationships so they show you your worth, beauty, and value."

Have I told you how good of a God I have? Because he is pretty flippin good. :)