older, wiser, and bossier

my heart hurts tonight.

it probably shouldn't hurt, but it does. and i am scared. out of my mind.

i found out today that one of my sisters was holding hands with a boy in the halls today. so i asked another sister about this boy and apparently, "he just wants to get some."

this makes my heart hurt more than ever.

i wish with all that i am that i can just take all of my sisters and lock them up, shove jesus down their throats until they get it, and keep them away from every boy. no exceptions.

i never want my sisters to deal with the heartache and pain that comes with cheap love. i want them to seek jesus with their whole selves and never face temptation or heartbreak or pain. i wish i could just take on all of that burden for them so they would never have to face the rejection and depression that exists in the broken world we live in. i wish i could show them how beautiful, valuable, and loved they are by their creator and that they should never seek their worth in a boy. i wish i could say that and have them believe me immediately.

but i know that won't happen. and i don't know what to do about it. i am literally scared to tears. i think i had this impression that my sisters were still little, innocent girls who had no interest in boys. but i am delusional. for the first time in my life i am actually thinking about my sisters having to deal with any of the same stuff i dealt with in junior high/high school.

i would do anything to not let them do that. i would do anything to not have them be hurt and broken and feel worthless. i would go through it all again ten-fold if it meant they never have to feel lost or confused or lonely.

a friend once gave me this analogy:

it is as if i am beaten and bruised and standing outside this cave trying to throw myself across the entrance begging people not to go in.  begging people to turn around. it may seem enticing or interesting or the easy route, but it isn't. i stand there giving my experience saying "don't do it! it offers cheap answers and cheap love. please please turn around, go the seemingly harder way!" but people still go in. they want to figure it out for themselves.

later they realize how empty and broken the easy way leaves you.

i wish my sissies knew jesus. i mean, i know they know jesus. but i want them to really know jesus. to really understand his grace. to really seek his love. to really submit themselves to his light and easy yoke.

gosh. i can't imagine being a parent. i mean, it is scary enough just being an older sister.