Jessica Wrestles with God at Jakkob

So, it has been very obvious to me that God really wants me to surrender to him. To let go of my pride and just let him take over and control my life. But that is a hard thing to do. For those of you who know... I am a rather stubborn person. I have a plan in my mind of how my life should end up-- these high expectations that rarely turn out. I find it extremely difficult to submit to God (or anyone, for that matter).

Ironically, God's echoing "surrender" in my life constantly. Just this morning (yes, I know, it was a late night), I finished an exegetical paper on Genesis 32:22-32. While I have read this dozens of times, I have never taken the time to dig under the surface and truly understand the meaning. In this passage, Jacob wrestles with God. Jacob-- the man who deceived his father and brother out of God's blessing. Jacob-- the man who was deceived by Laban into marrying both Rachel and Leah. His own name has defined his character thus far: "liar, deceiver." Jacob's life is marked by manipulation and deception. Rather than trusting God to be his provider and blesser, Jacob ALWAYS takes things into his own hands.

The beginning of Genesis 32 marks the end of Jacob's stay with Laban (another deceptive man), as God calls Jacob back into the land of his forefathers-- back into the land of Edom, to his brother. The same brother who's birthright was stolen from him. Jacob fears for his life. He is sure his brother is going to kill him. Out of desperation, Jacob prays to God (verses 9-12), but he still does not trust God to answer his prayers. Instead, he waits on the side of the river of Jakkob (I can imagine Jacob was debating whether to run and hide or not). It is there God comes and wrestles with Jacob. This is a physical manifestation of the spiritual warfare going on between Jacob and God. Jacob wants to be in control. He wants to hold onto his pride AND get a blessing from God. God, however, has other plans.

God wrestles with Jacob and physically injures Jacob to remind him that God is in control. Jacob is only human. His humanity is limiting, but it takes God rupturing his hip to give Jacob a physical reminder of God's power. Only when Jacob is physically and spiritually beaten by God does God bless him. At this point, Jacob is no longer relying on his own resources, but is humbled to the point of submission. God wins. God takes away Jacob's deceptive and manipulative nature and replaces it with one of value. He renames Jacob to "Israel," marking a renewal of God's covenant with Israel.

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Well, I may not be a 97 year old man with 2 wives, 2 mistresses, and 12 kids, but I am really wrestling with God. I am constantly trying to get a blessing out of him, even though I know what needs to be done. And God is just like doing one of those "holding-my-head-while-I-stand-their-swinging" kind of manuveurs, waiting for me to tire out. Because he knows that when I am at my weakest, then I will truly surrender to him and be truly broken. It is then he will bless me. God is just tiring me out. Which is obnoxious because I am too stubborn to let myself weary. But I know that God won't ever give up. Not ever. Which is both comforting and frustrating at the same time.

Genesis 32 shows a unique aspect of God's character. He always fights against us and for us.  He fights against our evil, faithless human nature, but is fighting for us constantly with love, mercy, and grace.

I need to realize that God is not just fighting against me. He is also fighting for me-- day in and day out. I need to take on his yoke, and let him guide me because his burden is light. And he knows the way. My eyes need to be glued to him, not on the things of this world.

I struggle because life is much easier when I have the perfect life on paper:

Perfect World Checklist:
boyfriend (check), school (check), job (check), etc... 

but it doesn't always work out like that in reality. and no matter how hard I try to make my life look like that, God has other plans. because God is THE REALITY.... nothing like the poluted world says it should be.

God will fight against me until he breaks me and empties me..... but luckily that is not the end of the story. He won't leave me broken and empty. But he will mold me and restore me. He will fill me with the truth of his love and grace.

Thank God that I am loved intimately by a God who will fight against me.... but who also fights for me. A God who knows my potential, who wants the best for me, and who will fight against my selfishness. And when I feel the most broken, he will fill me. For when I am weak, then HE is strong. May I be reminded of this... reminded to humble myself before the cross. To lay down my crown and join in the chorus with the kings. For his yoke is easy and his burden is light. HE has overcome this world, so why do I rely on myself to swim against the current?


((This was adapted and expanded off of a conversation with the best friend anyone could ask for, Jacqueline)).