god is just

I've been thinking about this blog post for a while now. I have a weird tendency to want to be marcionistic when it comes to faith. It is so much easier to reconcile Jesus and the New Testament, as opposed to the Old Testament.

For those of you who don't take Historical Theology in your off time, Marcion was considered a heretic because he viewed two separate gods in Scripture.

The Old Testament God was vengeful, wrathful, and desired blood above all else. He would be the unapproachable, strike-you-with-lightening-bolts type of god. This was Yahweh.

The New Testament God was a lovely, sweet, kind-hearted God who forgives all and came to appease the Old Testament scary God. This was Jesus.

This is all according to Marcion. (PS-- Try pronouncing his name out loud. I could just say it over and over... Marcion. Marcion. Sometimes I wish I spoke French).

While I can clearly see the heretical and false theology in Marcion's argument, when I read Scripture, I can't help but side with him, even just a little.

On the surface, it does seem like two opposing gods. Two opposing canons. Two opposing dispositions.

But when you dig deeper, you see how completely wrong Marcion was.

Over the last several months (since like, November), I have been listening to the Bible on my iPod in my car. starting with Genesis... allll the way through to Revelation. I am not going to pretend like this is a daily occurrence. Sometimes, I'll go a week or two without. It isn't always the easiest or most attention grabbing thing to do whilst driving.

But on this reading (listening-- by the way, listening to a British women read through Numbers is definitely the way to go), I have really been focusing on how fluid and whole the entire canon really is. God is the same from Genesis to Revelation-- despite what the surface may tell you.

My Marcionic tendencies would read about God striking down hundreds of thousands of people, and gasp-- slamming my Bible shut, my eyes darting around the room hoping no poor unbeliever read that passage with me. That isn't the God I claim to serve. That isn't the loving, sweet Jesus who called me his friend. Where did these people get this garbage?! I would tiptoe around these passages, even ignore them alltogether.

I would read about Jesus serving the poor, healing the sick, loving the marginalized. How in the world could that be the same God? For a while, I even told people that I just ignore the Old Testament because it is so confusing. Just call me Jessica Marcion.

But what I didn't understand, what I was missing, was the concept of justice. To be just is to be righteous, lawful, and fair.

God is just.

People claim to desire justice, but really, if we all deeply wanted justice, we would be condemning ourselves in God's eyes. According to his law, we are completely bound in sin. We are completely of this world. We are slaves to sin-- according to Paul in Romans 6. If God was completely just, we would all be headed to hell in a hand basket (I have absolutely no idea what that expression means). So yes, without Jesus as our substiutionary atonement, God does seem wrathful. But that is his justice. He seeks justice. He offers nothing in its place.

But, as recorded in the New Testament (and prophesied in the Old), God sent an atoning sacrifice for our sins. He sent his son, to die... once and for all... in place of our sins. God no longer sees sins upon his children, but he sees Jesus. So after Jesus lived, was crucifed, and rose again-- a physical, God with skin on-- the Immanuel, we are no longer slaves to sin. But instead, we are slaves to righteousness. We are slaves to God's justice. But don't worry folks. God promises that our new master offers only light and easy burdens. That we are freed finally from the oppression of sin, and can actually look up toward God-- seeking santification and righteousness. This grace-- this free gift-- is ours, so that we can avoid the wrath and firey inferno. Ephesians 2:1-10 says it really well. Go check it out.

So no. The God of the Old Testament is no different than in the New. The entire canon just proves God's desire for justice, and his perfect love that he pours out on his children-- through grace and mercy.

Would you rather love someone completely and never be loved back? Or be loved by someone, but never love?

What a tricky question. If you were to have asked me this a while ago, I would have said option one: unrequited love.

But I guess I never fully understood the pain and rejection that goes along with option one. To love is to give your heart to someone, open and vulnerable... Intimately desiring to meet their deepest needs.

But when that isn't reciprocated, it is painful. That person who you let in... Who you let see even the yuckiest, most intimate parts of your heart, abuses it. They abuse that knowledge. They use your selflessness for selfish purposes.

So maybe it is better to choose option two.

Kidding. Now thattt would be selfish.

My heart hurts. Really really bad tonight. Pray that I can understand what love really is...

Sometimes being vulnerable sucks. Sometimes I wish I still had my heart boxed up and guarded in those thick walls. I didn't let myself hurt. I didn't let myself feel. I ignored any weight or pain. It was easy.

But this isn't easy. It is terrifying.

Sometimes being real with someone gets you hurt. So bad I want to shrink away... And start patching up a make shift walls so it won't happen again.

gluing my eyes to jesus

So I am not usually "that" Jesus-freak girl that tells everyone when God speaks to her.

But God spoke to me the other day. You see, God has this funny way of revealing himself to me in the most ironic and unique of ways... but that is another story for another day.

I have only heard God speak to me audibly once. And by audibly, I mean, as loud as possible in my heart. That was several years ago. Sometimes I hear faint whispers and echos within me, but this was a different experience.

This week, I was sitting in chapel, praying, journaling, reading my Bible, doing my own studying (You know, the usual when the speaker isn't quite as interesting as you would have hoped). And I just got this picture in my head, a vision, if you will.

It just was an illustration of what my role is.

So you know when you are talking to someone, but they look past you... beyond your vision, just staring at something/one in the distance? Well, being a curious human, what is your instinct?

To turn around and see what they are looking at. What could be so interesting and distracting? What in the world could they be staring at? 

This is my goal. I need to have my eyes so fixed on Jesus that everyone around me wonders what is so interesting for me to look at. What could she possibly be watching so intently and joyfully?

Then, naturally, people will start to turn and look at Him, too. Fixing their eyes on the King of Glory.

To Him be the glory alone.

joy

I dont really like the word "happy". Yes, it describes an emotion, but I just think of "happy" as something temporary and fleeting. As something worldly and only semi-permanent. I try and avoid using happy to describe anything.

I do like "joyful". I think that word describes something deeper than happiness. I don't desire to be temporarily happy.... But I do want to always have joy. You see, joy transcends circumstance. If someone is joyful, they find joy no matter what. Whereas happiness is conditional and, well, fleeting.

I am not happy with my life. I am joyful. I am content beyond belief. I have realized how wonderful of a family I have. How lucky am I do have 4 sisters who I actually want to be friends with?! As we get closer and get along better, I couldn't imagine any different of a family. I love them. :)

How lucky am I to have such remarkable friendships!? I have a large group of people I consider my best friends. They live all over the country. They are the people I can pick right up where we left off... Those who I never worry about losing because they really will be my friends forever.

And I am so blessed to have a man in my life who reveals the character of Jesus to me daily. He has helped me redefine love and relationship. It is so beautiful. I sit in thankful awe daily because of him.

And, best of all, I have a God who leads me with lovingkindness day in and out. He is my rock and my shield. What is more joyous than that?!?

So no. I am not happy.

I am overflowing with joy.

Peniel

So while Jesus was in the process of smashing my heart into bits and pieces only to rebuild it again, I did an exegetical paper on Genesis 32-- Jacob wrestling with God. I wrote a whole blog post about it and how it related to my life as I did my own wrestling with God. (You can read it here).

After you re-read that post. Bookmark that in your brain.

Some of you may know, I am going to Zimbabwe for the month of May and South Africa for June and July.

There is something ironic about the place we are staying in Zimbabwe. It is called "Peniel." If you have ever read Genesis 32 (please take the 5 minutes to do so now.....) you know that after Jacob wrestles with God, he renames that place "Face of God"-- "Peniel."

I don't know why this seems so significant, but I wrestled with God, (and lost... miserably), wrote about it, was completely utterly broken by him the very next day (read that blog post again here), and now the place where I will be working is titled Peniel.... There is something significant there. God is reminding me of my wrestling. That is isn't over.

It is just beginning.

jessica taylor... aka wordy mcworderson

I have a boyfriend who doesn't necessarily like words. This is a problem for me considering I am definitely a word-aholic. Sometimes he has to just "shhh" me because I feel the need to describe every little thing. I feel like I have to ascribe a word to every feeling, emotion, moment, etc... EVERYTHING can be described, and should be as far as I am concerned.

but what if, sometimes, words don't really do something justice? whether it be a moment or an emotion, can words ever really be enough?

I am struggling with this currently with three words in particular. I mean, I think you can guess what three I am talking about.

"1-4-3 I la-la-la-love you" (Yes, please sing that in your head, dear readers).

Now, please stop.

Take a second to take a deep breath. Rid yourself of any immediate judgment you may have toward me. I can hear you saying this in your head, "Jessica, you have dated for two months, really?!?"

That is neither here nor there and is not the point or purpose of this blog post.

What I want to discuss is what those words really mean.

For me, in most situations, I find words to describe a moment. However, sometimes, I find moments to describe words. I think that is where I go a little overboard. Instead of experiencing the perfect movie-like scene, I find something that could vaguely resemble it and then jazz it up with some winsome, romantic, endearing story. While some would say that is lying, I call it good storytelling. ;) But really. I manipulate. I always have, and probably always will struggle with it. I manipulate situations with words. I could argue myself out of anything and I could make someone fall in love with me with words.

(which is ironic because David actually doesn't like my ultra-wordy-ness, therefore my scheme to win him over with my eloquent speech is null and void. oh Jesus and your sense of humor).

Anyways, I think that is what I have done with "l***." I have manipulated it to fit all situations.

In high school, I was called the "I-Love-You-Whore." Because, as many of you can guess, I tell everyone and their mom that I love them. And it is true. I love people. All people. I would do anything for anyone. But this excessive verbal expression of love skewed what true "love" really is in my head. Yes, I love everyone, so I should tell them. But really Jess... don't actions speak louder than words? Yes, I have several tattoos describing my affinity toward "love," but what good are they if they don't remind me to ACT on the love I claim to PROFESS?

In past relationships, I used two things to get people to become attached to me. One of them was my words. I would tell guys that I loved them, knowing full-well I didn't, just so they would feel the need to say it back. I could convince them that maybe this is what love really is... maybe this is what it is supposed to feel like. Every man wants to be needed. Just like every woman does. What better way to prove that you are needed than to have your significant other verbally confess their love for you?!

(annoying Taboo buzzer noise) WRONG.

There are better ways. Love is NOT manipulating. Love is not a word. Love is an indescribable emotion. Something that will never be correctly described by words. Yet, so much of what I have done and probably will still do is sell "love" short.

It makes me physically ill that I have damaged something as stunning and beautiful as "love." Especially for my past significant others... they didn't deserve my manipulation. They didn't deserve what I said was love. I can just hope that they can truly experience the wordlessness that is love. that is agape. I wish that someone would have told me how special those words are. How that those words are the best we have to describe something as beautiful and unconditional of an emotion, so don't screw them up. Don't stain them with cheap versions of love.

If someone would have told me that, maybe I wouldn't be having this gross feeling inside. That for so long I have settled for cheap love and shown conditional love. That I wouldn't be fearful that I will never be able to describe or express the true, agape-love that I feel. That I have sold "love" short.