When It Rains... It Pours...

2010 has been a year of rain. Torrential downpour, if you will.

My heart is so broken. I am so broken. I guess when I asked God to break me, I assumed it would affect only me. I often pray the scary prayer to be "broken" by God. I know I needed to be broken, but I guess I wasn't ready for the actual breaking.

I journaled a couple of weeks ago about my heart. I described it as locked up in a crystal-glass container. It is etched glass... so you can't really see into it, just vaguely, but light can still pour out. If you didn't already know, I am really good at bottling up my emotions. For me, it is wayyy easier to deal with other people's problems than my own. In fact, I would much rather help others than ever worry about myself always. But this just adds to my thick, glass walls.

I have built these etched-glass walls around my heart. They are very, very fragile...but I have been careful to make sure nothing can disturb them. And as I lay here, having to wipe my eyes every few seconds so I can actually see through my tears, I can say that God has shattered these walls. He has broken down my every security. He has laid me raw and bare in front of him. And it is the scariest thing in my life.

The past seven months have been the most trying, testing, heart-wrenching, devastating, life-changing, and broken months I have ever experienced.

It all started in Uganda. It must have been a week into our time in Uganda. I hadn't cried yet. I was consistently on the verge of tears, but none spilled over.

Until one night.

Without looking in my journal, I don't think it was one specific thing that happened that caused my break down... but everything. Everything that I had witnessed. Everything I felt. All the brokenness I saw. I lost it. I ran outside at dusk... trying to catch my breath. I hid myself behind a fence and argued with God. I couldn't fathom why he let people suffer the way the Ugandans I had met were suffering.

And then, I wept.

As soon as the tears flowed from my eyes, it started pouring. Literally pouring. It was one of the hardest, most awesome rainstorms I have ever experienced. God was weeping with me. God and I cried for a long time.

That was the first hammer hit to my glass-covered heart.

Then Summer rolled around. 7.16.2010 and 7.30.2010 were two more blows to my fragile glass walls. I think about Dillon and Spencer every single day.

More recently, I lost a best friend. While he is still there physically, our relationship is over. The one person I have relied on for absolutely everything over the last three years is gone. It feels like the rug has been ripped out from underneath me. Everytime I get excited about something, he is still the first person I want to tell. Everytime I get sad or need a hug, he is who I want it from. And even though I am sure this was the right decision, this was a thousand needles digging themselves into the walls around my heart. More keep coming as I realize how huge a part of my life he was.

Even more recent was the death of two parents. One a father. One a mother. Two unrelated families. What a rude, cruel awakening. I don't have a good relationship with my dad. I never have. We butt heads about every situation. Overall, he just isn't the best father to me. Pat's death was just a shot-to-the heart-kind-of-reminder of how my own father has failed me. Just a sad awakening that there are dads out there who show love to their kids, but mine isn't one of them. Elana's death was just a last hit. Reminding me that I am in control of nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can do to stop people from hurting. Nothing I can do to heal the brokenness of this lost world. 

The final blow to my already cracking heart. It is finished. The walls are shattered. I am laying here. Naked. Vulnerable. With God alone as my shield. I am wounded on the battlefield, people coming in to attack me on all sides and I have nothing left to fight with. No walls to protect myself. Instead, I am left with a choice. Lay helpless. Or cling to Him.

There is a song by MercyMe that says:

"And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain..."

And another by Casting Crowns that says:

"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
'I'm with you'
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away."



I am trying to praise God in this storm.

But all I want to sing is... "Uncle. Mercy. Please, please make it stop raining..."