When It Rains... It Pours...

2010 has been a year of rain. Torrential downpour, if you will.

My heart is so broken. I am so broken. I guess when I asked God to break me, I assumed it would affect only me. I often pray the scary prayer to be "broken" by God. I know I needed to be broken, but I guess I wasn't ready for the actual breaking.

I journaled a couple of weeks ago about my heart. I described it as locked up in a crystal-glass container. It is etched glass... so you can't really see into it, just vaguely, but light can still pour out. If you didn't already know, I am really good at bottling up my emotions. For me, it is wayyy easier to deal with other people's problems than my own. In fact, I would much rather help others than ever worry about myself always. But this just adds to my thick, glass walls.

I have built these etched-glass walls around my heart. They are very, very fragile...but I have been careful to make sure nothing can disturb them. And as I lay here, having to wipe my eyes every few seconds so I can actually see through my tears, I can say that God has shattered these walls. He has broken down my every security. He has laid me raw and bare in front of him. And it is the scariest thing in my life.

The past seven months have been the most trying, testing, heart-wrenching, devastating, life-changing, and broken months I have ever experienced.

It all started in Uganda. It must have been a week into our time in Uganda. I hadn't cried yet. I was consistently on the verge of tears, but none spilled over.

Until one night.

Without looking in my journal, I don't think it was one specific thing that happened that caused my break down... but everything. Everything that I had witnessed. Everything I felt. All the brokenness I saw. I lost it. I ran outside at dusk... trying to catch my breath. I hid myself behind a fence and argued with God. I couldn't fathom why he let people suffer the way the Ugandans I had met were suffering.

And then, I wept.

As soon as the tears flowed from my eyes, it started pouring. Literally pouring. It was one of the hardest, most awesome rainstorms I have ever experienced. God was weeping with me. God and I cried for a long time.

That was the first hammer hit to my glass-covered heart.

Then Summer rolled around. 7.16.2010 and 7.30.2010 were two more blows to my fragile glass walls. I think about Dillon and Spencer every single day.

More recently, I lost a best friend. While he is still there physically, our relationship is over. The one person I have relied on for absolutely everything over the last three years is gone. It feels like the rug has been ripped out from underneath me. Everytime I get excited about something, he is still the first person I want to tell. Everytime I get sad or need a hug, he is who I want it from. And even though I am sure this was the right decision, this was a thousand needles digging themselves into the walls around my heart. More keep coming as I realize how huge a part of my life he was.

Even more recent was the death of two parents. One a father. One a mother. Two unrelated families. What a rude, cruel awakening. I don't have a good relationship with my dad. I never have. We butt heads about every situation. Overall, he just isn't the best father to me. Pat's death was just a shot-to-the heart-kind-of-reminder of how my own father has failed me. Just a sad awakening that there are dads out there who show love to their kids, but mine isn't one of them. Elana's death was just a last hit. Reminding me that I am in control of nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can do to stop people from hurting. Nothing I can do to heal the brokenness of this lost world. 

The final blow to my already cracking heart. It is finished. The walls are shattered. I am laying here. Naked. Vulnerable. With God alone as my shield. I am wounded on the battlefield, people coming in to attack me on all sides and I have nothing left to fight with. No walls to protect myself. Instead, I am left with a choice. Lay helpless. Or cling to Him.

There is a song by MercyMe that says:

"And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain..."

And another by Casting Crowns that says:

"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
'I'm with you'
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away."



I am trying to praise God in this storm.

But all I want to sing is... "Uncle. Mercy. Please, please make it stop raining..."

Jessica Wrestles with God at Jakkob

So, it has been very obvious to me that God really wants me to surrender to him. To let go of my pride and just let him take over and control my life. But that is a hard thing to do. For those of you who know... I am a rather stubborn person. I have a plan in my mind of how my life should end up-- these high expectations that rarely turn out. I find it extremely difficult to submit to God (or anyone, for that matter).

Ironically, God's echoing "surrender" in my life constantly. Just this morning (yes, I know, it was a late night), I finished an exegetical paper on Genesis 32:22-32. While I have read this dozens of times, I have never taken the time to dig under the surface and truly understand the meaning. In this passage, Jacob wrestles with God. Jacob-- the man who deceived his father and brother out of God's blessing. Jacob-- the man who was deceived by Laban into marrying both Rachel and Leah. His own name has defined his character thus far: "liar, deceiver." Jacob's life is marked by manipulation and deception. Rather than trusting God to be his provider and blesser, Jacob ALWAYS takes things into his own hands.

The beginning of Genesis 32 marks the end of Jacob's stay with Laban (another deceptive man), as God calls Jacob back into the land of his forefathers-- back into the land of Edom, to his brother. The same brother who's birthright was stolen from him. Jacob fears for his life. He is sure his brother is going to kill him. Out of desperation, Jacob prays to God (verses 9-12), but he still does not trust God to answer his prayers. Instead, he waits on the side of the river of Jakkob (I can imagine Jacob was debating whether to run and hide or not). It is there God comes and wrestles with Jacob. This is a physical manifestation of the spiritual warfare going on between Jacob and God. Jacob wants to be in control. He wants to hold onto his pride AND get a blessing from God. God, however, has other plans.

God wrestles with Jacob and physically injures Jacob to remind him that God is in control. Jacob is only human. His humanity is limiting, but it takes God rupturing his hip to give Jacob a physical reminder of God's power. Only when Jacob is physically and spiritually beaten by God does God bless him. At this point, Jacob is no longer relying on his own resources, but is humbled to the point of submission. God wins. God takes away Jacob's deceptive and manipulative nature and replaces it with one of value. He renames Jacob to "Israel," marking a renewal of God's covenant with Israel.

-------------

Well, I may not be a 97 year old man with 2 wives, 2 mistresses, and 12 kids, but I am really wrestling with God. I am constantly trying to get a blessing out of him, even though I know what needs to be done. And God is just like doing one of those "holding-my-head-while-I-stand-their-swinging" kind of manuveurs, waiting for me to tire out. Because he knows that when I am at my weakest, then I will truly surrender to him and be truly broken. It is then he will bless me. God is just tiring me out. Which is obnoxious because I am too stubborn to let myself weary. But I know that God won't ever give up. Not ever. Which is both comforting and frustrating at the same time.

Genesis 32 shows a unique aspect of God's character. He always fights against us and for us.  He fights against our evil, faithless human nature, but is fighting for us constantly with love, mercy, and grace.

I need to realize that God is not just fighting against me. He is also fighting for me-- day in and day out. I need to take on his yoke, and let him guide me because his burden is light. And he knows the way. My eyes need to be glued to him, not on the things of this world.

I struggle because life is much easier when I have the perfect life on paper:

Perfect World Checklist:
boyfriend (check), school (check), job (check), etc... 

but it doesn't always work out like that in reality. and no matter how hard I try to make my life look like that, God has other plans. because God is THE REALITY.... nothing like the poluted world says it should be.

God will fight against me until he breaks me and empties me..... but luckily that is not the end of the story. He won't leave me broken and empty. But he will mold me and restore me. He will fill me with the truth of his love and grace.

Thank God that I am loved intimately by a God who will fight against me.... but who also fights for me. A God who knows my potential, who wants the best for me, and who will fight against my selfishness. And when I feel the most broken, he will fill me. For when I am weak, then HE is strong. May I be reminded of this... reminded to humble myself before the cross. To lay down my crown and join in the chorus with the kings. For his yoke is easy and his burden is light. HE has overcome this world, so why do I rely on myself to swim against the current?


((This was adapted and expanded off of a conversation with the best friend anyone could ask for, Jacqueline)).

Ripping Away the Scales Part 1

In case you didn't know, writing is the way I release my feelings. In writing, I connect most intimately with God. Words are my strong point-- my drug-- my addiction.

...And yet, I often find things too hard to put into words. Too hard to write down. When I write them down-- they are permanent. I really think that way. That really happened. So often I avoid journaling or blogging for that reason. I don't want to admit things. I don't want to accept the fact that I need to release my feelings.

Today is a day where I am getting up the nerve to release my feelings. To let go of my inhibitions and become real. A day to face the hard, cold reality....

I am back from Uganda.

I don't like to say it. I don't like to feel it. I don't like to be home. Those 2.5 weeks were the most life-changing, awe-inspiring I have ever experienced. Even if someone sat me down for a whole day straight, I still would not be able to convey the sheer power of the Spirit I experienced.

It is easier to sweep Africa under a rug. Save it for a rainy day.

Yet incredibly difficult.

Easy because when I think about Uganda, I ache. I ache for the people. Not in the sense that I hurt for them or feel bad for them, but I yearn for them. I long to be with them. Surrounded by them. Worshiping with them. Even as I sit here, I tear up, get a scratchy feeling in my throat, and a knot in my stomach.

Difficult because it is my every thought. Uganda has, thus far, been the pinnacle in my relationship with God. (I am not saying that it is downhill from then, but that it has been the highest point in my walk I have ever experienced. I have never felt the Spirit more than I have in Africa). It is also difficult because it is so easy to fall into the secret life of an American teenager (haha, get the reference!?).

But really, it is hard to love Jesus in America.

In Africa, you are forced to encounter God. Here, in the US, we are protected-- whether by our families, jobs, money, cars, houses, etc... (the list goes on). We are protected from really feeling the need and desperate desire for a Savior. It is nearly impossible for us to truly experience their physical poverty.

Yes, we may see a homeless man on the side of the street, but in all reality, they have more opportunities than someone homeless in Africa. The homeless in the US have a government who tries to take care of them (as lacking as that may seem). Yet, in Uganda, the government is untrustworthy-- corrupt at the highest levels, with no one to hold them accountable.

I struggled a lot in Africa with defining "poverty." What is poverty? In Uganda, I see a lot of physically poor people-- yet, to what standard? In the eyes of a spoiled, nineteen-year-old, who has lived her whole life without ever worrying about money or shelter, they are dirt poor-- literally. Yet, what is poverty in God's eyes?

I would argue that Americans are spiritually poor. And that is worse. Because we protect ourselves with the latest iphones, money, trophy wives, jobs, cars, houses, etc..., we hide who we truly are.

Naked. Broken. Alone.

There is a scene in my absolute favorite Narnia book, Voyage of the Dawn Treader (COMING OUT IN THE MOVIES SOON! :)), where Eustace, gets turned into a dragon because of his greed and pride. Only then does he see how disgusting his attributes are because he is embodying them. It is only when Aslan comes and rips each scale away, one by one, and then washes him in the water that he is free of the greed and pride that consumed him. Although it was a terribly painful transformation, Eustace is utterly relieved when the scales are gone. Naked before Aslan. 

Just like those of us in the US cover ourselves, it would take turning into disgusting dragons to realize just how unfulfilled and unhappy we really are. When we allow God to come in and rip those things away-- it won't be easy or painless-- we are able to stand broken before our Creator. Naked and vulnerable-- ready for transformation.

In the Garden, Adam and Eve were naked. After the Fall, once they realized their nakedness, they wanted to be covered.

That is the perfect illustration of what we do now. We realize that we will be broken and in need of a Savior if we are naked. So, instead, we fulfill the holes in our hearts with material things. Superficial, material things.

Yet remember what God did for Adam and Eve once they realized their nakedness-- he clothed them.

God fulfilled their needs. Not with gucci and abercrombie, but with fig leaves. They realized their nakedness and vulnerability and God fixed it. On his terms.

Now, we don't wait for God to sew our fig leaves together, instead, we take matters into our own hands and make our own fig leaf outfit. But it is never the same.




I have so many stories and thoughts from Uganda that I have yet to process or am currently processing. I hope I can get better at blogging a little-- I know it is how even my best friends understand what is going on in my life. ;) Anthony gets so frustrated because he will read my blog and be like "what? why haven't we talked about this?" But it is just how I work. I will always write down more of my thoughts than speak them. :)

All Things... Jess :)

Countdown until Uganda: 12 days!! :)

I couldn't be more excited! It is coming up so quickly--I just hope it doesn't go by just as quickly. 

I just wanted to update those of you who are curious about what God has been teaching me lately. 

1) Relationship. If you read anything about my facebook fast, then this may sound familiar. God has really been laying "relationship" on my heart. Not only does God illustrate the greatest and most beautiful relationship-- he wants to be in relationship with us. He also desires us to be in relationship with others. I always take this for granted. But over the past few months, God has placed situations in my life to engage in relationships. I have hung out with so many wonderful people who care about me and who I care about. Whether aware of it or not, they have shown me God's love and his design for relationship. 

2) Worship. If you know me, you know that I really don't like worship. I think that the songs sung in church are just dully, recited drones that no one really thoroughly understands, believes, or lives out. In chapel a few weeks ago, they focused on Revelation 4. In this passage, John is witnessing the truest form of worship. I can't even describe the passage to you because it is utter beauty. The description of the scene is literally jaw-dropping. He says that there are four living creatures that never stop saying, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come." Later, he describes 24 elders who fall to their faces in worship, laying their crowns at the feet of the Lord saying, " You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being."  This is worship. We were created by the most high God. The same guy who placed the stars one by one in the sky. The same guy who knows the number of hairs on our head. He deserves all the worship we can give him. Our entire lives should be of worship. God deserves praise. Every second of everyday-- and even that isn't enough. How cool would it be to be one of the 4 living creatures who NEVER STOP SAYING "holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty..." Wow. So great. I think after reading this chapter, I really understand worship. We don't do it to act "Christian" or just because everyone else is doing it. We need to read the songs and truly sing them to God from our hearts. The Spirit has really been alive inside me during times of worship. I crave it constantly now. All I want to do is praise him. God is so good. He is worthy of our praise. 

3) To God Alone Be The Glory. Soli Deo Gloria. No matter what we do, we need to glorify him alone. We cannot boast in our treasures or talents, but in God alone. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

So those are three things that God has really been teaching me lately. I am sure he has a lot more up his sleeve, especially while I am in Uganda. 

Prayer request updates: 

-Continue praying for our team. That we may be the hands and feet of God. That we may have the heart, ears, and eyes of God. That we will be full of the Spirit and listen and learn everything God has planned to rock our world with.

-For the community. We recently had a guy come to our team meeting who lived in the community with FH for 3 years. So he gave us a lot of details regarding the area and exactly the living situation and such. I pray that the community members will be prepared for our arrival. That they will feel the love and peace of Christ. 

-For the FH field staff. Apparently we will be interacting the most with the nationals who work as FH field staff in the community. They all speak great English-- which is a blessing. But the guy who spoke to us told us that these are the people we will really be impacting. We will be there to encourage and uplift them in their work, as well as work along side them often. I pray that they will be encouraged by our team and not be burdened. I pray that we can show them your love and that they have teammates and friends praying for them half-way across the country.

-For the other teams traveling with CCU during the summer. There are a bunch of teams going all over the world. I pray that they also will be the hands and feet of Christ and overflow with His love and peace. That they will be good servants and come away with hearts full of compassion and willingness to act.

A little more of an update on all things Uganda-- We will be living with the field staff in their offices. (which means bunk-beds and solar power). We are currently planning VBS stuff for while we are their, but we don't know our full schedule, so it is a little difficult. We are just trying to be flexible. We got a tentative schedule. Something really cool about it is that each Sunday, the team will be splitting up for church. So the first Sunday, I go with Judith to a church, then the next Sunday, I go with Martin (both of which are FH Staff members). We also will be doing a day of home visits, and go to the medical center that is in the community. Apparently we will see lots of monkeys and fresh pineapple. :) 

We went to this really awesome place called Art for the Nations (in Cherry Creek), as a team last week. It is a really cool organization that sends craft supplies with missionaries. :) So we decorated a bag to be sent! We will head back over their shortly to pick up bags for our trip. I would definitely recommend going and volunteering their by painting a bag. So fun!

Our basement is finished in our house! In the process of moving things downstairs currently. Definitely a mess, but so nice to have more space away from the family! :) Bucky has finally moved back home! She has been living at Anth's since February. So I am MORE than excited to be snuggling with her again. :) 

A couple personal prayer requests: 

-As some of you may know, I am coaching at D'Evelyn with the wonderful Courtney Jones. Pray that I can show the love of Christ to the girls, as well as be a significant role in their life as confidant, mentor, and coach. Pray for the girls who are cheering, that they will be ready to work hard and really gain relationships with each other. 

-That as summer rolls around, I can continue the relationships that I have invested in and even gain more.

Wow. This is not a very lucid or well-written blog post. Sorry about that. It probably reflects my life right now. Disjointed. :) Well, thanks for reading. Love you all. 

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!"

--Philippians 2:5-8

All things Uganda

Hello all--

I just wanted to write, for those of you interested, and give a little update on all things Uganda. We purchased our flights! :) Which makes everything more real and exciting and terrifying-- all at the same time! We leave May 10th out of DIA-- head to Minne-an-apolis (I am spelling it like I say it. I know that is wrong).

Then on to Amsterdam.

Finally flying into Entebbe. Of course, we then have a 6 hour drive to the community we will be living and working in.

Recently, we were made aware that the community we are traveling to (Barakalo) is so rural that it will be rare to have people speak English. Being the ignorant American that I am, I just assumed that at least the schools would be taught in English and there would only be a slight communication barrier. After some research, we have determined that Barakalo is home to the Lango tribe who speak Lwo. Now, if you know me, you know I heart the library. Soo--- I checked out all books from the Rocky Mountain region on this culture and the language. There were 8. Better than nothing, I suppose!

Just in case you thought we were going to be living lavishly while in Africa, let me give you a little insight onto what we will experience. There won't be showers or bathing areas-- mostly just buckets that you fill up with river water and dunk your head in. We probably will get small mattresses or at least a thin cushion to sleep on. Granted-- we will have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. We are still lucky. But this is by no means a vacation.

We are there to work side by side with the community members, engaging in conversations and relationships. We are there to reflect the love of Christ and serve His children. We are also there to learn from the people of the community, respectfully and lovingly.

Well, now that you have a glimpse of what is going on on this end of things-- let me tell you a little more. Each of the team members had to raise around $3000 to be able to go to Uganda. At this point in time, we still have $6700 left to raise (for the whole team). We are down to the wire. If anyone feels called to give, we would be forever grateful.

If anything, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for our team. Pray for our finances to come through. Pray that our hearts continue to be prepared for what God has in store. Pray for the people of Barakalo-- that they may be opened to what God will do in their lives. Pray for others we will encounter on our journey there-- that our team may be a great example of His love and peace.

If you are interested in giving, please email me at jessicatrichie@gmail.com. I can give you information on how to give via check or credit card. Thank you so much for partnering with me on this.

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for putting such a wonderful guy in my life. I am truly blessed day in and day out for him. God, thank you for giving him a heart that is so madly in love with you. He is so selfless and loves so deeply. May he continue to share the heart he has for you and for others. God, I pray that he continues to chase after you passionately and seek your heart always. Thank you my Jesus. I am so blessed. :)

Amen.

End of Lent

So it is the end of Lent. The end of my Facebook fast. Yet, I still am scared to log on. I know I will still love all the information I read and addict myself to learning about people through virtual relationships.

Yet, these past 40 days have been so great.

I have actually hung out with people. If you are one of the lucky ones I have hung out with in the past 40 days, I appreciate you. All were relationships that I have left to facebook to handle for me, yet I still cherish them-- Just in a lazy way. :/ I do love you. All of you.

Not only have I hung out with people, I have actually done what one of the things I love most in the world: READ! :)

Almost 20 books to be exact. And I have over 80 checked out from the library at any given time. (Don't worry-- I've only racked up $2.00 in fines so far. :))

My hope and prayer for myself for the next... forever is:
That I may daily and continually remember the significance of relationships.
That I will live my life reflecting the knowledge that God is a relational being who designed us to be in relationship with one another.
That I need to put time and effort into my friends-- believers and non-- to pour out the love of Christ onto them at all times.
That I take time for myself and my relationship with Jesus.
That I spend time doing what I love-- reading.
That I spend time with my family-- especially my sisters.
That I don't get overwhelmed by the world.
That I realize how much of an impact my words and actions make on others.
That I use that power carefully and intentionally filled with love and peace.
That I let go of inactivity and live each moment for Him.


A wise sage once said, it is not easy being green. I would love people to partner with me on this. At least pray for me every once in a while. I would greatly appreciate it. :)

And on this day, you know, the one that is THE most significant day for all of Christ's followers, may you burn with the desire to know Him more and more. That you may seek Him and find Him. That you desire to live out the hope that is represented, not only in the cross-- but what happened 3 days later.

He is great. Awesome. Powerful. Sovereign. Almighty. One. Compassionate. Loving. Hope. Peace. Love. Creator. Forgiver. Blesser. Intimate.

[[Please-- this list is never-ending, add on your own descriptions. :)]]