13 days

There is something funny about traveling. It is always bittersweet.

You don't want to leave you friends and family and loved ones... but you're so excited for the adventure ahead.

You don't want to leave your adventure... but you are excited to come home to your loved ones.


There is anticipation in the preparation, but as the day creeps closer, hearts become faint.

I have this picture in my head of a little kid finally allowed to wander on her own. She has been begging for this freedom for years, and jumps in the excitement of the adventure she is about to embark on-- whether that is being able to cross the street for the first time or ride a bike to a friends house. She starts to wander off... confidence in her step. But the more steps away from comfort that she takes, the heavier her feet become. The more she looks back. The more she starts second-guessing her decision for freedom in the first place. "Oh how wonderful my warm bed would feel right now." "Oh how I miss mom's warm embrace and smiling face."

Her pace slows as she begins to dilly-dally. Walking in place. Kicking a rock back and forth over the same square feet of concrete. She has drawn a picture in her head of the grandeur of adventure. The excitement of going off on her own... taking steps in the new world by herself.

But it is so much less than expected. The colors aren't nearly as bright and fanciful as she had dreamed. The air cold and harsh, not warm and welcoming. The empty stares of passerbyers instead of the warm smiles she had seen so clearly. She begins to turn back. Back to safety. Back to comfort. Back to the reality she had taken for granted.


But the funny thing is, life goes on without you. I know, shocking, right? The time spend pondering your adventure was probably time everyone else didn't think twice about it or you. Of course, there are rare exceptions. But for the most part... life goes on.

In 13 days, I will be on an airplane. An airplane that will take me thousands of miles away. And as I sit here and my stomach starts knotting up, I am second-guessing my decision for adventure. I have done this before. This adventure is not as glorified or as beautiful as I had originally anticipated it to be. It is impossible for my heart to really stay detached from the people I will meet and the suffering I will see. As hard as I try and shake it, Uganda won't leave my mind.

But when I got back from Uganda, I realized that life went on without me. Even better without me in some cases. No one else that I did life with was being haunted with the faces. The smiles. The tears. The pain. My relationships were devastated at that point. I was screaming from the inside for someone to understand me. For someone to really get what I was feeling. But no one did. You see, their lives went on as normal... living life in beautiful Denver, Colorado. Working. Going to school. Eating out. Laughing. Content.

In 13 days, I will be on an airplane. I will leave my friends, family, and loved ones once again. And they will keep going. Day in and day out... doing life as usual. For some, I will be a fleeting thought. And when I return, it will be as if nothing really changed for them. One more person to hang out with. One more person to do life with as usual.

But I'll be screaming. I'll be dying for someone to understand.

My prayer today:

That I may feel discouraged, only so I become motivated to change the world. That I may cry, only to draw my heartbeat in line with his. That I may be sad, only to further my compassion and empathy for the lost and the marginalized. That I may feel overwhelmed... With only his love and grace. That I may be emptied, only to be filled again with him. That I may be broken, only to allow myself to decrease and him to increase. That I may hurt, only to move and act on my pain.

God alone deserves all of the glory and all of my praise. May I seek his face and follow his lead so intensely and passionately, that all selfishness fades away. He knows the way. He has a plan to use me to bring about his kingdom here on earth and to glorify him. May I rest in his arms-- fully trusting and breathing in the beautiful fragrance of his love. May I serve, despite the cost. May I love completely without conditions.

Lord, give me the strength. Your will... Not my own. Hold my hand. Comfort me in my sadness. Surround me with people who show me your character daily. May we walk as a body, expressing the grace and mercy you have shown us to everyone we know.

cherry coke zero

I have an awful, terrible addiction to cherry coke zero.

This is strange because even 8 months ago, it had been 5+ years since I had even had any soda whatsoever. But then, I found something delicious in ccz. I can't get enough.

Except today, I was reading about Aspartame, and definitely got freaked out. Did you know that Aspartame is closely linked to multiple sclerosis? When people who have MS and also consume aspartame were taken off the aspartame, their symptoms disappeared. Just the fact that this artificial sweetener is even linked to MS at all is scary. As some of you know, MS hits home for me personally.

So, as of right now. I am not drinking anymore Cherry Coke Zero, or any other soda/drink/food sweetened artificially. Yikes. That is scary.

But not only is aspartame linked to diseases like cancer, MS, lupus, and fibromyalgia, it also isn't really "diet" at all. It increases carbohydrate cravings. It causes more formaldehyde to build up in your brain, your nervous system, and in your eyes (WTF!! Why would I want a nasty perservative chemical in my brain!?). It holds on to fat cells.

Anyways. This is just what is on my mind today. Just as our lives our not our own, our bodies aren't either. Yes, diet cherry coke may taste delicious... but if it is actually harming me, why would I want to put it in my body!?

Ironically, right before I sat down to get on the computer, I opened one of my sodas and drank half of it. Guess this guy is going down the drain.

I am going to head to Whole Foods now and see if I can find a soda sweetened by stevia-- an all-natural sweetener. :) I'll let you know my findings. :)

zim

So, I am sitting here overflowing with joy and overwhelmed with awe.

I saw Jesus tonight. In a way I haven't been able to feel him since I was in Uganda.

I saw Jesus in community.

Ten people. Ten hearts. Holding hands in a circle... sharing hearts about ministry and life and struggles and excitements. Praying with each other and for each other. Celebrating God's completely unknown will. Anxious at the thought of his wonderous plan. Unclenching. Letting go.

More of YOU, Jesus. Less of me.

Oh goodness, do I love my team! God has combined a group of people who's hearts beat for the exact same thing. We are truly one body-- with set giftings and talents. We are beautiful and precious. Jer. Jill. Siam. Rick. Rach. Amy. Andrew. Wendie. Adam.

My prayer tonight is that we strip all selfishness from ourselves and put on Jesus alone. That we may be filled to the fullest capacity with ONLY HIM. That we may unclench our fists and let go of our lives. We are not our own. May we seek sanctification and righteousness. May we hold one another accountible in love and respect. May we continue to seek God's face and heart alone. May our eyes be so attuned to following Jesus that our faces are buried in his shoulder blades. May we seek his will alone. May his still, small voice be constant and louder than anyother-- de-fogging our eyes and revealing his path and plan. 

God is good. So good. He is living and so active. He is moving--in wonderful, beautiful ways. I just need to put myself aside and let him do his thing. 

Thank you, my Jesus, for revealing your presence to us so clearly. You have your hand in all of this... and your will is perfect and it is good. May we rest and be comforted knowing this is the case. To you alone be ALL glory.

god is just

I've been thinking about this blog post for a while now. I have a weird tendency to want to be marcionistic when it comes to faith. It is so much easier to reconcile Jesus and the New Testament, as opposed to the Old Testament.

For those of you who don't take Historical Theology in your off time, Marcion was considered a heretic because he viewed two separate gods in Scripture.

The Old Testament God was vengeful, wrathful, and desired blood above all else. He would be the unapproachable, strike-you-with-lightening-bolts type of god. This was Yahweh.

The New Testament God was a lovely, sweet, kind-hearted God who forgives all and came to appease the Old Testament scary God. This was Jesus.

This is all according to Marcion. (PS-- Try pronouncing his name out loud. I could just say it over and over... Marcion. Marcion. Sometimes I wish I spoke French).

While I can clearly see the heretical and false theology in Marcion's argument, when I read Scripture, I can't help but side with him, even just a little.

On the surface, it does seem like two opposing gods. Two opposing canons. Two opposing dispositions.

But when you dig deeper, you see how completely wrong Marcion was.

Over the last several months (since like, November), I have been listening to the Bible on my iPod in my car. starting with Genesis... allll the way through to Revelation. I am not going to pretend like this is a daily occurrence. Sometimes, I'll go a week or two without. It isn't always the easiest or most attention grabbing thing to do whilst driving.

But on this reading (listening-- by the way, listening to a British women read through Numbers is definitely the way to go), I have really been focusing on how fluid and whole the entire canon really is. God is the same from Genesis to Revelation-- despite what the surface may tell you.

My Marcionic tendencies would read about God striking down hundreds of thousands of people, and gasp-- slamming my Bible shut, my eyes darting around the room hoping no poor unbeliever read that passage with me. That isn't the God I claim to serve. That isn't the loving, sweet Jesus who called me his friend. Where did these people get this garbage?! I would tiptoe around these passages, even ignore them alltogether.

I would read about Jesus serving the poor, healing the sick, loving the marginalized. How in the world could that be the same God? For a while, I even told people that I just ignore the Old Testament because it is so confusing. Just call me Jessica Marcion.

But what I didn't understand, what I was missing, was the concept of justice. To be just is to be righteous, lawful, and fair.

God is just.

People claim to desire justice, but really, if we all deeply wanted justice, we would be condemning ourselves in God's eyes. According to his law, we are completely bound in sin. We are completely of this world. We are slaves to sin-- according to Paul in Romans 6. If God was completely just, we would all be headed to hell in a hand basket (I have absolutely no idea what that expression means). So yes, without Jesus as our substiutionary atonement, God does seem wrathful. But that is his justice. He seeks justice. He offers nothing in its place.

But, as recorded in the New Testament (and prophesied in the Old), God sent an atoning sacrifice for our sins. He sent his son, to die... once and for all... in place of our sins. God no longer sees sins upon his children, but he sees Jesus. So after Jesus lived, was crucifed, and rose again-- a physical, God with skin on-- the Immanuel, we are no longer slaves to sin. But instead, we are slaves to righteousness. We are slaves to God's justice. But don't worry folks. God promises that our new master offers only light and easy burdens. That we are freed finally from the oppression of sin, and can actually look up toward God-- seeking santification and righteousness. This grace-- this free gift-- is ours, so that we can avoid the wrath and firey inferno. Ephesians 2:1-10 says it really well. Go check it out.

So no. The God of the Old Testament is no different than in the New. The entire canon just proves God's desire for justice, and his perfect love that he pours out on his children-- through grace and mercy.