i heart starbies.

I really heart starbies. If you don't know what "starbies" is, it is because it is a pet-name I just made up for my favorite "waste-lots-o-time" hotspot. AKA Starbucks. I come here almost everyday. At least every weekday. Sometimes I don't even get anything to drink. But I love people watching here. I love wondering what people are heading to do, what they are coming from, what their lives are like.

In case you want to join my creepiness, I am always at the 1st and Wads Starbies. I was talking to a friend about this last night--The cool thing about this Starbucks is the fact that almost everytime I come, there is a conversation going on about Jesus. (Yes, I eavesdrop also... get over it). ;)

I am not sure what draws people to Starbucks to talk about Jesus... but it always happens. And I am always so encouraged and rejoiced to know that my sisters and brothers are literally everywhere. They are working and moving even when the world seems so dark and yucky. They are still shining a light in the blackness. They are still engaging in tough conversations... answering the tough questions. I mean, as everyone knows... "Let's get Starbucks!" is an open invitation to a very interesting and deep theological/philosophical conversation.

Right now, I am addicted to refresh tea. Also to a no-water chai. And to an iced upside-down caramel (pronounced "car-mel") macchiato. So, if you ever want to get coffee. Talk about Jesus. And people watch. Join me at Starbies. I would love the company.

Supernanny

Today marks the end of a 2-week stint in housesitting/nannying. I have laughed, cried, yelled, cooked, cleaned (yes-- I did my first load of laundry while here!!). It has been anything but easy.... yet at the same time I am truly going to miss these kids. Playing single "mom" for two weeks was a little tricky (as all of you know, I am probably not THE most responsible/punctual person you have ever met). And these two weeks have completely pushed me out of my comfort zone.

It has stretched me and taught me so much about myself and my struggles. I have had to be a rock to these kids-- something semi-stable for them to rely on to feed/cloth/protect them for two weeks. Yet these have been the two most broken and emotionally trying weeks I have ever experienced. I have been away from everything of any comfort to me-- sisters, aida, friends... and been forced to seek God's face.


And I have loved every minute of it.

So, if you don't particularly like/want kids and need a good time to be stretched and broken and cry. Then definitely accept a nanny position. :)

Rainbows and Butterflies

On my drive to school (coughstarbuckscough), there was the most beautiful and bold double rainbow. The thing I love about rainbows is the story of their origin in the Bible.

During the story of Noah, God floods the earth (typical Sunday School story). He finds no goodness in the people, only wickedness. EXCEPT in Noah. God looks down from heaven and says HE is a man after my heart. He is good and noble and righteous. I will save him and use him for a greater purpose (ultimately the lineage of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, David, and JESUS).

After he floods the earth, he offers a covenant with Noah. He promises he will never flood the earth ever again. He offers a symbol of his unending love toward his people. Genesis 9:13 says "I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth." The Hebrew word for "to set" in this literally means "to hang up." The word for "bow" in "rainbow" refers to an archers bow. God is saying he is putting away his weapon, hanging up his bow in the sky to remind the world that he will never flood it again.

I loveee this word picture. I love that a rainbow literally means an act of abstaining from violence. Even when it is storming and the winds are violently raging against the earth, God says, "Don't worry! I won't bring violence and pain, just keep your eyes on my covenant--on my love."

Even when my life seems the most out of control and stormy, when the rain is pouring down. When everything I know and hold on to tightly is being washed away, God reminds me that it is for his good and his glory that he brings the storm. It has a purpose, but not one to harm or destroy. While the storm may seem painful and scary and the end of all I know, God boldly proclaims his love for me: by hanging his bow of a million colors in the sky.


And today, God showed me a double rainbow. Doubly reminding me of his comforting love and his loving discipline. :) Just as I was stressing out about my Greek test and my PoliSci test, God said: "Hey Jess, keep your eyes on me. Keep your eyes on my love. Keep your head up. I have your best in mind. I am leading the way. Stay glued to the cross. Stay clung to me. Only I can get you through this storm. I love you."


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PS: I titled this "Rainbows and Butterflies" because of a recent blog post where I said that Christianity isn't just rainbows and butterflies... but in a way, some days it is. :) God creates the most beautiful rainbows and butterflies for our pleasure.

Zephaniah: A Prophet After My Own Heart

My absolute favorite verse is Zephaniah 3:17.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Not only is this verse totally beautiful and aesthetically excellent out of context.... it is even MORE beautiful in context.

Basically, the book of Zephaniah talks about how God is destroying Jerusalem. The first 2.5 chapters describe the destruction that will sweep down on God's people and God's chosen city.

BUT

Starting at 3:14, the whole book turns around. It reveals the redemption and restoration that God offers to Jerusalem. While they will go through pain and destruction... God offers to be with them always. To be a mighty warrior fighting for his people (--which goes back to God fighting AGAINST us and FOR us). To delight in his people. To love them until they are silent. To sing over them.

I LOVE the word picture created by "quiet you with his love." Have you ever been around someone you feel completely, wholeheartedly comfortable with? Someone who you don't even need to speak with because they just understand already? Or been so upset, but with this person, words wouldn't even be necessary. They literally quiet you with their love.

God promises that.

What a beautiful picture of his overwhelming love for us. So much we will sit in awesome quiet.

God may be breaking me now and destroying all that I know, but he promises to be with me through it all. To carry me through my pain and my confusion. To quiet my tears and weeping with his unfailing love.

Read Zephaniah today. See whatchya think. :)

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Adding on to this::
I went and got coffee with my pastor last week. He talked with me about something that he recently heard at a conference.

Christianity can be defined as a 4-part timeline.

Creation--->Fall-->Redemption--->Restoration

However, some Christians soley focus on the Fall--->Redemption portion. They leave out that we were created in God's image. They express that we are sinful and God offers us grace... but don't move on from there. There is no restoration offered.

Some Christians just focus on Creation--->Restoration. They ignore the fact that we are sinful beings, and rather our goal as Christians is to restore the world to what it was at Creation.

But rather, Christianity needs to encompass all four of these things.


Creation--->Fall---> Redemption--->Restoration

We are created in the image of God. He wanted perfection for us, but offered us the freedom to choose for ourselves. We chose sin. However, that isn't the end of the story. God sent his son so that we may be cleansed of that sin and that we may see what it looks like to live a sinless life. God offers the promise of a new life-- completely, whole restoration in heaven. A place without sin, without pain, without suffering. 

THAT is Christianity. 

DDCP (Dove Dark Chocolate Promise)

Tonight, my delicious Dove Dark Chocolate Promise said: "Shape the future by dealing with the present."

What an echo of what God has been teaching me lately! Granted, Jesus puts it in much more eloquent words...

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3-4).

I usually skip over these verses. Like many other people, I don't really like the parts in the Bible that aren't feel-goody. They make me cringe and feel uncomfortable (and what is Christianity besides rainbows and butterflies!?--kidding of course). Well, recently, a friend brought this passage to me in a whole different light. Yes, I understand that this is saying don't judge, because who the hell are you to say anything about anyone else. I get it. But the way she put it was that who are we to even give advice until we have our own crap figured out.

I will admit it. I have a giant plank in my eye. It blocks my good vision. It makes me see the world spotted. I am working tirelessly to remove this plank. It takes a lot of humbling and submission to the One who should be the center of my vision. It is then that I am able to see the world with horse-like vision-- keeping my eye on the goal--aka Jesus. When my eyes are focused on him THEN I can work on healing and fixing this world, work on removing the (large amount of) dust from the world's vision.

God is reminding me that in order for me to love the most and reach the world to my best potential HE MUST BE THE CENTER of my life. HE must be my goal. If I try and "fix" the world with this plank in my eye, then the world will be patched with band-aids. Band-aids Jessica-made and less-than-perfect. In fact, put in my own hands, the world would be more broken. More hurting.

Only THE Healer and Redeemer can fully restore and heal the world. I need to take this damn plank out of my eye so that I can be a tool used by him to do so. In order for me to fix the future... I have to deal with the present.

I would make a great assistant. If that is all I did.
I would make a great cheerleading coach. If that is all I did.
I would make a great nanny. If that is all I did.
I could be a fantastic student. If that is all I did.
I would make a great small group leader. If that is all I did.
I would be the best friend. If that is all I did.
I would be a decent girlfriend. If that is all I did.
I would make a great cook. If that is all I did.
I would be a great church-goer. If that is all I did.

And, yet, I am mediocre at best because I try and juggle all of this.

Then again, I would make a great bodybuilder, if that is all I did.
I would be a fantastic writer, if that is all I did.
I would make a great president, if that is all I did.

But I don't. I choose not to JUST do one of these things. I do them all. (Okay, not the bodybuilding, writing, president thing).

I heard something that really resounded with me the other day. God will not give us more than we can bare, but sometimes WE give ourselves more than we can bare. 

I think that is me.

i've got friends

As I step outside my comfort zone and allow others to see my vulnerability, I have realized how not as scary as I thought would be it is.

I have wonderful friends.

I have friends that pray for my brokenness. Who are seeing those prayers answered as I weep and seek His face.

I have friends who force me to vent and love that I am working toward doing that more often.

I have friends who need to see me broken and bare. Who look to me in my strength, but also in my weakness.

I have friends who are coming alongside me showing how to love. As a friend loves a friend. As a brother loves a sister.

I have friends who echo my pain. Who needed to read my words to fully understand their feelings and emotions.

I have friends who are proud of me. Who are applauding me as I am wearily running the race. They run alongside me.

And most importantly, I have friends who are praying for me. Who are continuing to show me the love and forgiveness and peace that I am longing for. Who are lifting me up when I am wounded. Who are crying with me and holding me.

One of my favorite things about Grey's Anatomy is the relationship between Mer and Cristina. I love their friendship. It is witty and realistic. They get angry, excited, drunk, happy, and pissed together. Life isn't always sunshine and butterflies, (even on television... shocking, I know), but these two women always have each other. They read each other perfectly. The finish-each-others'-sentences kind of relationship. I have many of these friendships. And I am so extremely blessed.

I have the best friends in my life that I could ever ask for or ever even imagine possible. Even when I am feeling the most lonely, I know that isn't true. I have my people who love me, surround me, pray for me, and knock me upside the head when I am being ridiculous (which happens quite often).


So, to my friends, who have shown me such compassion and love... I adore you. Each and every one of you. I cherish you and your hearts. Thank you for your grace.

When It Rains... It Pours...

2010 has been a year of rain. Torrential downpour, if you will.

My heart is so broken. I am so broken. I guess when I asked God to break me, I assumed it would affect only me. I often pray the scary prayer to be "broken" by God. I know I needed to be broken, but I guess I wasn't ready for the actual breaking.

I journaled a couple of weeks ago about my heart. I described it as locked up in a crystal-glass container. It is etched glass... so you can't really see into it, just vaguely, but light can still pour out. If you didn't already know, I am really good at bottling up my emotions. For me, it is wayyy easier to deal with other people's problems than my own. In fact, I would much rather help others than ever worry about myself always. But this just adds to my thick, glass walls.

I have built these etched-glass walls around my heart. They are very, very fragile...but I have been careful to make sure nothing can disturb them. And as I lay here, having to wipe my eyes every few seconds so I can actually see through my tears, I can say that God has shattered these walls. He has broken down my every security. He has laid me raw and bare in front of him. And it is the scariest thing in my life.

The past seven months have been the most trying, testing, heart-wrenching, devastating, life-changing, and broken months I have ever experienced.

It all started in Uganda. It must have been a week into our time in Uganda. I hadn't cried yet. I was consistently on the verge of tears, but none spilled over.

Until one night.

Without looking in my journal, I don't think it was one specific thing that happened that caused my break down... but everything. Everything that I had witnessed. Everything I felt. All the brokenness I saw. I lost it. I ran outside at dusk... trying to catch my breath. I hid myself behind a fence and argued with God. I couldn't fathom why he let people suffer the way the Ugandans I had met were suffering.

And then, I wept.

As soon as the tears flowed from my eyes, it started pouring. Literally pouring. It was one of the hardest, most awesome rainstorms I have ever experienced. God was weeping with me. God and I cried for a long time.

That was the first hammer hit to my glass-covered heart.

Then Summer rolled around. 7.16.2010 and 7.30.2010 were two more blows to my fragile glass walls. I think about Dillon and Spencer every single day.

More recently, I lost a best friend. While he is still there physically, our relationship is over. The one person I have relied on for absolutely everything over the last three years is gone. It feels like the rug has been ripped out from underneath me. Everytime I get excited about something, he is still the first person I want to tell. Everytime I get sad or need a hug, he is who I want it from. And even though I am sure this was the right decision, this was a thousand needles digging themselves into the walls around my heart. More keep coming as I realize how huge a part of my life he was.

Even more recent was the death of two parents. One a father. One a mother. Two unrelated families. What a rude, cruel awakening. I don't have a good relationship with my dad. I never have. We butt heads about every situation. Overall, he just isn't the best father to me. Pat's death was just a shot-to-the heart-kind-of-reminder of how my own father has failed me. Just a sad awakening that there are dads out there who show love to their kids, but mine isn't one of them. Elana's death was just a last hit. Reminding me that I am in control of nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can do to stop people from hurting. Nothing I can do to heal the brokenness of this lost world. 

The final blow to my already cracking heart. It is finished. The walls are shattered. I am laying here. Naked. Vulnerable. With God alone as my shield. I am wounded on the battlefield, people coming in to attack me on all sides and I have nothing left to fight with. No walls to protect myself. Instead, I am left with a choice. Lay helpless. Or cling to Him.

There is a song by MercyMe that says:

"And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain..."

And another by Casting Crowns that says:

"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
'I'm with you'
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away."



I am trying to praise God in this storm.

But all I want to sing is... "Uncle. Mercy. Please, please make it stop raining..."

Jessica Wrestles with God at Jakkob

So, it has been very obvious to me that God really wants me to surrender to him. To let go of my pride and just let him take over and control my life. But that is a hard thing to do. For those of you who know... I am a rather stubborn person. I have a plan in my mind of how my life should end up-- these high expectations that rarely turn out. I find it extremely difficult to submit to God (or anyone, for that matter).

Ironically, God's echoing "surrender" in my life constantly. Just this morning (yes, I know, it was a late night), I finished an exegetical paper on Genesis 32:22-32. While I have read this dozens of times, I have never taken the time to dig under the surface and truly understand the meaning. In this passage, Jacob wrestles with God. Jacob-- the man who deceived his father and brother out of God's blessing. Jacob-- the man who was deceived by Laban into marrying both Rachel and Leah. His own name has defined his character thus far: "liar, deceiver." Jacob's life is marked by manipulation and deception. Rather than trusting God to be his provider and blesser, Jacob ALWAYS takes things into his own hands.

The beginning of Genesis 32 marks the end of Jacob's stay with Laban (another deceptive man), as God calls Jacob back into the land of his forefathers-- back into the land of Edom, to his brother. The same brother who's birthright was stolen from him. Jacob fears for his life. He is sure his brother is going to kill him. Out of desperation, Jacob prays to God (verses 9-12), but he still does not trust God to answer his prayers. Instead, he waits on the side of the river of Jakkob (I can imagine Jacob was debating whether to run and hide or not). It is there God comes and wrestles with Jacob. This is a physical manifestation of the spiritual warfare going on between Jacob and God. Jacob wants to be in control. He wants to hold onto his pride AND get a blessing from God. God, however, has other plans.

God wrestles with Jacob and physically injures Jacob to remind him that God is in control. Jacob is only human. His humanity is limiting, but it takes God rupturing his hip to give Jacob a physical reminder of God's power. Only when Jacob is physically and spiritually beaten by God does God bless him. At this point, Jacob is no longer relying on his own resources, but is humbled to the point of submission. God wins. God takes away Jacob's deceptive and manipulative nature and replaces it with one of value. He renames Jacob to "Israel," marking a renewal of God's covenant with Israel.

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Well, I may not be a 97 year old man with 2 wives, 2 mistresses, and 12 kids, but I am really wrestling with God. I am constantly trying to get a blessing out of him, even though I know what needs to be done. And God is just like doing one of those "holding-my-head-while-I-stand-their-swinging" kind of manuveurs, waiting for me to tire out. Because he knows that when I am at my weakest, then I will truly surrender to him and be truly broken. It is then he will bless me. God is just tiring me out. Which is obnoxious because I am too stubborn to let myself weary. But I know that God won't ever give up. Not ever. Which is both comforting and frustrating at the same time.

Genesis 32 shows a unique aspect of God's character. He always fights against us and for us.  He fights against our evil, faithless human nature, but is fighting for us constantly with love, mercy, and grace.

I need to realize that God is not just fighting against me. He is also fighting for me-- day in and day out. I need to take on his yoke, and let him guide me because his burden is light. And he knows the way. My eyes need to be glued to him, not on the things of this world.

I struggle because life is much easier when I have the perfect life on paper:

Perfect World Checklist:
boyfriend (check), school (check), job (check), etc... 

but it doesn't always work out like that in reality. and no matter how hard I try to make my life look like that, God has other plans. because God is THE REALITY.... nothing like the poluted world says it should be.

God will fight against me until he breaks me and empties me..... but luckily that is not the end of the story. He won't leave me broken and empty. But he will mold me and restore me. He will fill me with the truth of his love and grace.

Thank God that I am loved intimately by a God who will fight against me.... but who also fights for me. A God who knows my potential, who wants the best for me, and who will fight against my selfishness. And when I feel the most broken, he will fill me. For when I am weak, then HE is strong. May I be reminded of this... reminded to humble myself before the cross. To lay down my crown and join in the chorus with the kings. For his yoke is easy and his burden is light. HE has overcome this world, so why do I rely on myself to swim against the current?


((This was adapted and expanded off of a conversation with the best friend anyone could ask for, Jacqueline)).