In case you didn't know, writing is the way I release my feelings. In writing, I connect most intimately with God. Words are my strong point-- my drug-- my addiction.
...And yet, I often find things too hard to put into words. Too hard to write down. When I write them down-- they are permanent. I really think that way. That really happened. So often I avoid journaling or blogging for that reason. I don't want to admit things. I don't want to accept the fact that I need to release my feelings.
Today is a day where I am getting up the nerve to release my feelings. To let go of my inhibitions and become real. A day to face the hard, cold reality....
I am back from Uganda.
I don't like to say it. I don't like to feel it. I don't like to be home. Those 2.5 weeks were the most life-changing, awe-inspiring I have ever experienced. Even if someone sat me down for a whole day straight, I still would not be able to convey the sheer power of the Spirit I experienced.
It is easier to sweep Africa under a rug. Save it for a rainy day.
Yet incredibly difficult.
Easy because when I think about Uganda, I ache. I ache for the people. Not in the sense that I hurt for them or feel bad for them, but I yearn for them. I long to be with them. Surrounded by them. Worshiping with them. Even as I sit here, I tear up, get a scratchy feeling in my throat, and a knot in my stomach.
Difficult because it is my every thought. Uganda has, thus far, been the pinnacle in my relationship with God. (I am not saying that it is downhill from then, but that it has been the highest point in my walk I have ever experienced. I have never felt the Spirit more than I have in Africa). It is also difficult because it is so easy to fall into the secret life of an American teenager (haha, get the reference!?).
But really, it is hard to love Jesus in America.
In Africa, you are forced to encounter God. Here, in the US, we are protected-- whether by our families, jobs, money, cars, houses, etc... (the list goes on). We are protected from really feeling the need and desperate desire for a Savior. It is nearly impossible for us to truly experience their physical poverty.
Yes, we may see a homeless man on the side of the street, but in all reality, they have more opportunities than someone homeless in Africa. The homeless in the US have a government who tries to take care of them (as lacking as that may seem). Yet, in Uganda, the government is untrustworthy-- corrupt at the highest levels, with no one to hold them accountable.
I struggled a lot in Africa with defining "poverty." What is poverty? In Uganda, I see a lot of physically poor people-- yet, to what standard? In the eyes of a spoiled, nineteen-year-old, who has lived her whole life without ever worrying about money or shelter, they are dirt poor-- literally. Yet, what is poverty in God's eyes?
I would argue that Americans are spiritually poor. And that is worse. Because we protect ourselves with the latest iphones, money, trophy wives, jobs, cars, houses, etc..., we hide who we truly are.
Naked. Broken. Alone.
There is a scene in my absolute favorite Narnia book, Voyage of the Dawn Treader (COMING OUT IN THE MOVIES SOON! :)), where Eustace, gets turned into a dragon because of his greed and pride. Only then does he see how disgusting his attributes are because he is embodying them. It is only when Aslan comes and rips each scale away, one by one, and then washes him in the water that he is free of the greed and pride that consumed him. Although it was a terribly painful transformation, Eustace is utterly relieved when the scales are gone. Naked before Aslan.
Just like those of us in the US cover ourselves, it would take turning into disgusting dragons to realize just how unfulfilled and unhappy we really are. When we allow God to come in and rip those things away-- it won't be easy or painless-- we are able to stand broken before our Creator. Naked and vulnerable-- ready for transformation.
In the Garden, Adam and Eve were naked. After the Fall, once they realized their nakedness, they wanted to be covered.
That is the perfect illustration of what we do now. We realize that we will be broken and in need of a Savior if we are naked. So, instead, we fulfill the holes in our hearts with material things. Superficial, material things.
Yet remember what God did for Adam and Eve once they realized their nakedness-- he clothed them.
God fulfilled their needs. Not with gucci and abercrombie, but with fig leaves. They realized their nakedness and vulnerability and God fixed it. On his terms.
Now, we don't wait for God to sew our fig leaves together, instead, we take matters into our own hands and make our own fig leaf outfit. But it is never the same.
I have so many stories and thoughts from Uganda that I have yet to process or am currently processing. I hope I can get better at blogging a little-- I know it is how even my best friends understand what is going on in my life. ;) Anthony gets so frustrated because he will read my blog and be like "what? why haven't we talked about this?" But it is just how I work. I will always write down more of my thoughts than speak them. :)
